A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
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Beyond the Invisible
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The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
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Thursday, December 22, 2005
Not exactly Rockwellian
It'll be a nice Christmas. I'm spending it with a man I love dearly who loves me and shows/tells how much with gratifying frequency. His boys will probably be able to join us and having them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year--that in itself is a wonderful gift! Finally, I'm working this year and no matter how much I might not be thrilled with my job, I'm very glad that I can get Jerry and the kids something.
However...
I bought flowers and a card for my grandmother and Daniel and I drove over to see her today. As I was waiting for the elevator, I saw her name on the board that lists residents that are at the hospital. Turned out that my grandmother was in the hospital for over a week and now she's in a nursing home somewhere. The woman in the office didn't know where. Obviously, my "family" (and I use that term very loosely) didn't feel I needed to know. I've known for a while that as far as they are concerned, my sister and I don't exist, but every time it's thrust into my face like this, it hurts all over again.
SIGH
Screw them, right? I'll have a good Christmas, anyway, with people who love me. I just need to shake off the blahs. I'm worried about my grandmother, but she's supposed to be home tomorrow, so I hope to see her sometime in the next couple of days. As for my "family" (henceforth known as "Some People Who Happen To Share My DNA"), every one of them can go to hell.
3:14 PM
(1) comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
In the Navy...
Thursday afternoon, the phone rings. I think that it might be Allen since he usually comes over on Thursdays. It's my day off and he knows it. Sure enough, it's him.
Allen: I'm at the Navy recruiters' office. I'm going to Louisville to take the ASVAB and to get my physical.
Me: Wha..??
Allen: I'll explain more tomorrow. I'll get back sometime in the afternoon.
Me: Okay
Friday afternoon, there's a knock at the door. It's Allen.
Allen: Hey Mom, do you know where my school transcripts and SSN card are?
Me: I gave you your SSN card, so I don't know where it is. What's going on with the Navy?
Allen: I did really good on the ASVAB and I'm going in the Reserves. Now the recruiter is waiting and I have to go.
Me: Okay. Will I see you before Christmas?
Allen: I don't know. I have a lot of stuff I need to do before I go to Dad's (in Illinois). I'll try to come by on Saturday. Love you Mom!
Saturday afternoon, the phone rings again and, again, it's Allen.
Allen: Mom, it looks like I'm going active sooner than I thought. I have to go back to Louisville on Sunday. I'll be back on Monday in time to go to Dad's.
Me: You're going active sooner?
Allen: That's the only way I can get out of this place, Mom. I can't get a decent job and I've got to start taking care of myself. I'll call on Monday.
So, in the space of 4 days, Allen has joined the Navy and is leaving as soon as possible.
11:13 PM
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
Where Is The Center of the Universe?
I decided a while ago that blind self-centeredness is the common thread to a lot of the things that drive me crazy. There are the people that damn-near kill you by cutting you off in traffic because they want to be there and too bad if anyone else happens to be occupying that spot at the time. Sometimes they're talking on their cell phones at the same time or applying makeup or messing with their radio. Honestly, though, I don't think they are deliberately unfeeling of the havoc they cause. I think many people have no awareness of other people who might be occupying the space. In other words, it's not that they don't care--it simply never occurs to them that someone else might already be where they want to be. Blind self-centeredness.
At work, I deal all day with customers who feel that they are entitled to get credit for no reason other than they want it, to not pay their bill but still have service, to not have to have a deposit despite years of determinedly messing up their own credit, and to screw over the people that were stupid enough to trust them and put them on their acct. On the other hand, I have coworkers who think they can act like they're in kindergarten while they're at work and get furious if anyone even asks politely to turn it down. Blind self-centeredness.
Like I said, this is a long-held theory of mine but yesterday made me consider it all over again. I found myself amazed, yet again, at the willful disregard of others. I spent a total of 40 minutes or so helping a woman who had been trying to cancel her deceased father's acct since July. She'd called back after another agent left her a message that was unforgiveably callous and rude--and then actually documented her rudeness in the memos on the acct. "We tried to call you four times about canceling this and you didn't bother to call us, so you're not getting any money. Deal with it." (And for the record, we hadn't called her once about this according to our own records and that was the biggest part of the problem.) Mind you, customer service sucks, but this wasn't a case of forcing yourself to remain courteous in the face of nasty, cursing idiot who wants to take all of life's problems out on you (which granted, happens all the time). This was a nice person who never once raised her voice to me even after hearing that. (Frankly, she was much nicer to me than I might have been under the circumstances!) I mean, here was a woman who'd just lost her father and someone I work with spoke to her that way for no reason. The agent wasn't provoked or verbally-attacked--she was leaving the message on the woman's voicemail. Again, I don't think that if she'd actually stopped to think about it, she would have been nasty to someone that just lost a loved one and is now in a morass of red tape over the most mundane things. I think it never even occurred to my coworker that this wasn't some person that was trying to inconvenience her, in particular, with a genuine problem that might take a few minutes more than usual to straighten out. Not deliberately cruel, just blindly self-centered.
It just seems so pervasive sometimes. So many people walking through life completely and utterly convinced that they are the center of the universe and no one else matters nearly as much as what they want. They shout out in classrooms and work meetings, talking loudly to no one in particular. They announce often about how life isn't fair if they don't get exactly the same, in not just a little more than anyone else (even if they don't deserve whatever it is or, in some cases, even want it). They talk through movies at the theater. In crowds, on the street, in the mall, in restaurants, and at work--either on the cell or with their friends--they're so loud that they drown everyone around them in the details of their lives that you never cared to know. I could go (rant) on but you get the picture.
Of course, since I'm posting this in a public blog that I hope others will read, I must be fairly self-centered myself. But if I ever get to the point of ignoring everyone else's opinions, feelings, and physical space, I hope someone just thump me.
9:00 AM
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Your results:
You are Catwoman | Catwoman |
| 75% | | Wonder Woman |
| 70% | | The Flash |
| 70% | | Hulk |
| 65% | | Spider-Man |
| 60% | | Robin |
| 60% | | Green Lantern |
| 55% | | Superman |
| 50% | | Batman |
| 50% | | Supergirl |
| 40% | | Iron Man |
| 30% |
| You have had a tough childhood
but you stand up for society's cast-offs.
 |
Click here here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...
1:04 AM
(0) comments
Friday, December 09, 2005
Lagging Behind the Times with This One
Pick ONE word from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments.
- *dominant or submissive
- * logical or intuitive
- * social or loner
- * kinky or vanilla
- * cute or sophisticated
- * kitten or puppy
- * warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
- * leader or follower
- * quiet or talkative
- * spontaneous or planned
- * teddy bear or porcelain doll
- * hiking or window shopping
- * tequila or vodka
- * top or bottom
- * bare foot or shoes
- * jeans or dress pants
- * tender or rough
- * aware or dreamy
- * nerd or jock
4:00 PM
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Since It's Getting Close To New Year's
I find since I've been back online that I've missed a lot of the lives of my friends and acquaintances. Babies coming. People engaged. So, I was thinking I'd make a little questionaire to try to catch up (though I plan on trying to read up on some blogs and blurties that I've been away from for so long tomorrow, if my internet doesn't go out again)
- Name at least big thing that you've done or experienced this year.
- Is there something you should do in the coming year?
- Honestly, are you going to do it?
- No, really.
- Is there something you know you're going to do in the coming year? If so, what?
- I just saw a commercial about "making a difference". What would make a difference for you, for people you care about, and/or the world in general?
I'm off to bed now for some lovely snugglin'! G'Nite All!
3:17 AM
(1) comments
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Definitions
Warning! I've been a liberal since before it became a dirty word and I'm still one. I don't approve of Bush. I don't trust his advisors. I am angered by the fact that "Support Our Troops" is a phrase that has been usurped by those who think that dropping them in a desert, in a pointless war that we were misled into with outright lies and prevarications, without enough body armor, support troops, and other equipment is the best way to "support" them. In other words, if you don't feel the same way, you're liable to be offended.
I received this in an email:
- BI-PARTISANSHIP, n. When conservative Republicans work together with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.
- CLARIFY, v. Repeating the same lie over and over again.
- CLEAN, adj. The word used to modify any aspect of the environment Republican legislation allows corporations to pollute, poison, or destroy.
- FAIRER, adj. Regressive.
- FAITH, n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
- FAITH COMMUNITY, n. Evangelicals, because they are saved, and hawkish conservative Jews, because they are useful. Israel is the bait-on-the-hook just waiting for God to take that Rapturous bite.
- FISCAL CONSERVATIVE, n. A Republican who is in the minority.
- FREEDOM, n. What Arabs want but can't achieve on their own without Western military intervention. It bears a striking resemblance to chaos.
- GROWTH, n. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. What happens to the deficits when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
- HONESTY, n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences: "Freedom is on the march."
- HUMBLE FOREIGN POLICY, n. The invasion of any sovereign nation whose leadership Republicans don't like.
- HUMBLED adj. What a Republican says right after a close election and right before he governs in an arrogant manner.
- MORAL VALUES, n. Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language.
- MANDATE, n. What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.
- THE MEDIA, n. Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
- PHILOSOPHY, n. Religion.
And bonus definitions:
- Abstinence-Only Sex Education n. Ignorance-only sex education [Wayne Martorelli, Lawrenceville, NJ].
- Alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil [Peter Scholz, Fort Collins, Colo.].
- Bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations [Beth Thielen, Studio City, Calif.].
- Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils [Jacob McCullar, Austin, Tex.].
- Class warfare n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage [Don Zweir, Grayslake, Ill.].
- Climate Change n. The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ].
- Compassionate Conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy [Lawrence Sandek, Twin Peaks, Calif.].
- Creationism n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental [Brian Sweeney, Providence, RI].
- Democracy n. A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted [Michael Schwartz, unknown].
- Energy Independence n. The caribou witness relocation program [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
- Healthy Forest n. No tree left behind [Dan McWilliams, Santa Barbara, Calif.].
- Laziness n. When the poor are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
- Leisure Time n. When the wealthy are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
- Patriot Act n. 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us [Michael Thomas, Socorro, NM].
- "Staying The Course" interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result [Suzanne Smith, Ann Arbor, Mich.]. stuff happens interj.
- Voter Fraud n. A significant minority turnout [Sue Bazy, Philadelphia, Pa.].
- Woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place [Denise Clay, Philadelphia, Pa.].
1:42 AM
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Just a short note because I can. I'm back online and I wanted to post something even though I plan on playing "catch up" tomorrow. I haven't done this forever, so I'm going to do the Free Association game (you'll find the button to the site in the upper lefthand corner) - Stuffed:: turkey
- Armstrong:: Neil
- Bruise:: purple
- Content:: Me
- Musical:: Chicago
- Assistance:: welfare
- Scrambling:: eggs
- Battle:: melee
- Extended:: edition
- Discount:: Walmart
12:58 AM
(1) comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
AAAAAYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
SPIDERS!!!!!!!
I rode with Jerry this morning so that I could drop him off and have the car. The passenger door doesn’t work, so anybody not driving sits in the backseat. We were almost there when I realized that there was a…a….[shudder]…SPIDER!!! hanging from his hair by a thin strand of silk. My initial reaction was to lean back away from the 8-legged demon but it was my beloved! In danger! And it was headed towards the seat! Where I was about to be sitting! And it might have gotten away and attacked me when I was driving! Not that I was solely concerned with my own safety, of course. I slowly picked up a video brochure from the video store we go to from the floor (I was moving slowly so that the evil creature wouldn’t notice what I was doing!)
“Huh…huh…um…Honey?”
“What?”
“There’s a spider on your head! And it’s headed for the seat!”
At that point, I risked life and limb and swatted it with the video brochure. I hit the seat, too, because the gigantic monster was trying to escape. Meanwhile, my love, obviously confused, was ducking away from my attempts to save him. He parked and got out of the car and then hugged me when I got out, in gratitude for my fearless defense. Okay, maybe not gratitude…
“You swatted a spider on my head!”
“It was headed towards the seat…”
“You swatted a spider on my head! I have spider innards on my head!”
“…Not that it my own self-interest that was my only concern….”
4:50 PM
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1976
One morning I was listening to one of those morning radio programs and they were discussing Sylvester Stallone’s magazine, Sly. According to what I heard, it’s intended to be a male “lifestyle” magazine like Oprah’s and Martha Stewart’s female-focused ones. Apparently, in the introduction to the premiere edition, Stallone says he figures he has about 800-something weekends left in his life. Consequently, he made himself a list of things he wants to do and/or accomplish before he runs out of weekends.
It’s an interesting thought. Granted, no one really knows how much time he/she has left. You could get struck by lightning or hit by a bus or smashed by a falling meteor. Still, give that I’ll probably live to age 78, barring accidents, I calculated that I have approximately 1976 weekends left and there are things I want to do and to see.
- Quit smoking
- Learn to love myself and my body more and criticize myself less
- Be more consistent about going to the gym that I joined
- Plant a garden (or any flowers/vegetables without killing them)
- Fix my credit/finances
- Find a job I’m excited about—or at least find one I’m not embarrassed to tell others about
- Go whitewater rafting, rock climbing, and rappelling before I get too old to do them
- See the major landmarks of the US—Mount Rushmore, Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, and the giant redwoods
- Visit Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado
- Visit Canada
- Visit Seattle, San Francisco, and LA
- Go back to New York and see things that I missed the first time
- Build the sunroom/garden room I’ve always wanted
- Take Daniel to Germany to show him where he was born
- See the ruins in Mexico
- Learn to paint glass
- Learn to lay tile and other home-remodeling things
- Meander through Italy, visiting famous cities, viewing legendary art, and possibly even stay in a house in the Tuscany region for a bit
- Leisurely tour the Greek Islands
- Take a cruise on a clipper ship
- See Paris, preferably in the spring
When I originally came up with this list, I had two things on this list that aren’t there anymore. The most important one is “Be proud of all of my kids”. This has been removed because I can honestly say that I am.
Nikki, as usual, is doing extremely well. She’s a freshman at UF. She works to make her own car payment and her extra living expenses beyond her dorm (we have a student loan for that). Her classes and books are covered 100% by her scholarship. When we talk, she sounds happy and as responsible as you can expect from an 18-yr old college student who’s trying to do well.
Daniel, who has made me pull my hair out for the past 6 years because of his lackadaisical school performance, has seemingly pulled out of this downward spiral. Last year, he was in a wood-working class and absolutely loved it. Since then, he’s stated many times that he wants to be a carpenter when he gets out of school, doing construction in the spring and summer and building/fixing furniture in the winter. Mind you, his grades last year were absolutely terrible! He failed half his classes, started hanging out with a bunch of stoner losers, smoking marijuana with them, and began skipping school. This school year started with him being stuck in a bunch of bunny classes (my thought being that it was to pull his grades up so that the school won’t lose money from having really bad student statistics—they have a large percentage of students that fail and/or drop out and it costs them dearly) and didn’t put him in the carpentry program that he wanted. This is a 3-yr program and once a student graduates from it, they’re licensed to do multiple levels of carpentry and are in the Union. I insisted that he try to get this resolved at first, but after 2 or 3 weeks of him being blown off, I went to the school and spoke with his counselor. Between the two of us, we worked out a new schedule for him that includes classes he actually needs to graduate (what a concept!) and got him into the last spot in the carpentry program. Then Daniel was told, “It’s not enough that we got you the classes you want—you have to prove you want to stay in this program. You have to show up to class every day and get good grades or else they’ll expel you from Carpentry.” Well, he’s not missed a day since then and his first report card this year was all A’s and B’s (except for Biology, but that’s another long story). He doesn’t hang out with the losers he was hanging out with before and he’s working hard. Believe it or not, however, the thing that makes me proudest is the fact that he comes home and talks about what he did in carpentry every day. I’m delighted that he’s so excited about something, anything, to do with school and his future.
Then there’s Allen, who as you all know, I had to kick out of my house this past January. When I kicked him out, he didn’t have anywhere to go, so he went to the Hope Center—a combination homeless shelter and rehab program. He entered their rehab program, which is 6 months long and you have to live there, do chores, and go to daily meetings and weekly counseling. He’s completed the program and has been completely clean since April! He’s looking for a job with benefits and a living wage—no easy task these days—and has stated several times that he wants to begin attending a local community college in January. He’s even started going to church and was baptized in a couple of weeks ago. Granted, that’s not my thing, but I certainly recognize the importance of it. He’s a different person!
Needless to say, I’m very proud of all of them!
The second thing that was on my list that isn’t there anymore, sadly, is “Return to New Orleans and bring Jerry with me”. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like there after Hurricane Katrina, but how could it possibly ever be the same? I have very strong feelings about the debacle that followed the hurricane but I don’t really want to get into it too deeply in this post. I will say that I think that Michael Brown, former head of FEMA, and Michael What’s-His-Name, the head of Homeland Security should be charged with negligent homicide for EVERY death that occurred while people waited endlessly for water, ice, and evacuation. If anyone really wants to know why I feel that way, I’ll post about it at a later date.
Back to the original intent of this post, which was to acknowledge that we only have so much time that we’re here on Earth. Bearing that in mind, how many weekends do you have left and what do you want to accomplish before you die?
4:48 PM
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Friday, August 12, 2005
Hear Ye, Hear Ye
This past Monday, August 8th, was the 1st anniversary of Jerry & I living together. As most of you know, we've known each other since we were kids in high school. I was 14, almost 15, and he was 17. He worked in the school library as an assistant and he definately was quite the hottie--on the wrestling team and had a great body and the most beautiful blue eyes. More importantly, he was smart, sweet, shy, and despite his better judgement, interested in me. I was 14, thin as a rail, insecure as hell, and damned interested in him. He had intentions of becoming a priest and ambitions of rising to monsignor however and my very aggressive pursuit of him pretty much scared him to death (when he wasn't kissing me, that is, and it was my goal much of the time to completely befuddle his hormones until he admitted that we should be dating). After a few months of beating my head against the brick wall that is his stubborn side, I finally had enough of being told he loved me like a sister but that was all. I finally had the argument that would make him see I was right! "You can't kiss me and make out with me one minute and then tell me you just love me as a sister the next! Obviously, if you're kissing me, you like me for more than as a sister!" (I mean, yes, it's Kentucky but we generally don't consider it normal to date/make out with siblings!) He was quiet for a moment. Told me I was right. Refused to touch me in any way that could be construed as more than brotherly affection. We're talking for several weeks of me flinging myself at him and him stepping out of the way. I refused to speak to him for several weeks once I got the message that he was serious and wasn't going to change his mind but I missed him terribly. We really had been the best of friends and had all the same circle of friends (all my friends at the time were seniors). So I swallowed my hurt feelings, looked him up, and told him that I missed his friendship and I didn't want either of us feeling uncomfortable when we were with our friends. We've been the best of friends now for almost 25 years.
We'd touch base every few years, talk about old times, catch up with each others' lives, etc. About 5 years after all the original drama, I could tell he was attracted to me. He's made some comments over the years that he wishes that he'd handled all of that in high school differently. By that time, however, I was married and he was very firmly in "just friends" category and Jerry's too good of a person and too good of a friend to push the issue. In fact, we've both been married, had kids, gotten unmarried. It's too complicated to go into everything that's happened to bring us to "quite abit more than just friends" other than to say that we somehow manage to take two completely different paths in life to end up at the same place 25 years later.
It's the best relationship I've ever had. It's been a wonderful year--not "problem-free, pie-in-the-sky, everything's perfect 100% of the time" wonderful. "Whatever happens, we work it out together, even if we're both mad enough to spit nails" wonderful. We have an argument, we talk it out. We make plans and dreams together. We enjoy each others' company. We fit. Isn't it weird and unbelievable and incredibly fantastic that we traveled such different roads over two decades and now we fit more perfectly with each other than anyone else we've ever loved or been with, including our teenaged-selves from so long ago?
ANNNNNNNNNYYYYway....
As I said, Mon, Aug 8th, was our 1-yr anniversary and he'd been saying that he had a surprise for me that morning for several days. I had to work so we left the house before 8am. Jerry asked me to promise to keep my eyes shut, which I did, and I had no idea where we were going. I had to keep them shut when we parked, when he helped me out of the car, up stairs, into a building. I could hear people talking and knew we were in some sort of an institutional building. I thought maybe we were on campus for some reason. Mostly I thought, "Where the HELL are we??"
When he had me open my eyes, I was in a classroom. He asked me if I knew where we were and I thought maybe Tates Creek High School, where we both graduated, but I wasn't sure because it's changed a lot since. He confirmed that was where we were and he said that we'd come full circle and the symmetry was perfect. He said it was the room that used to be the magazine room in the library--the room where we kissed the first time 25 years ago. I was stunned that he'd brought me back there for our first anniversary to tell me how much he loved me. Never have I known anyone to make such a romantic and thoughtful gesture! What a great present for our first anniversary!
I was even more stunned when he got down on one knee, pulled out an engagement ring, and asked me to marry him! (Stunned enough that it took a couple of minutes to quit saying "Oh my GOD!" and to say "Yes!, as he pointed out.)
_____________________________________________________________________________
I didn't realize until I came to post that news that I hadn't updated since before I went to the VA for that test on my stomach. Sorry!
The test on my stomach and other sundry parts revealed nothing. While, YAY, I don't have cancer, it kind of sucks that there isn't anything in particular that anyone can point at, say, "Oooooooh! That's it!", and fix. So I live with my stomach giving me a bad time. However, I've been doing that for 21 years now, so I guess I should be used to it by now.
The job is getting better. I've been moved into the department they were supposed to have hired me for and I like it LOADS better! Also, I applied for and received a better schedule, so now I'm working Sun 10am-7:30pm and Mon-Weds 9am-7:30pm, with Thurs-Sat off. This beats the hell out of working 9:45am-9:45pm and I really like having 3 days in a row off.
OH, and by the way, the wedding date is set for April 21, 2007. April 21st because he says getting married on his birthday would be the best present ever and 2007 because it gives us time to pay for it .
4:25 PM
(1) comments
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Testing, testing
They decided to take a look at my stomach more closely since the IBS is getting worse. "Can't-even-eat-a-salad-without-pain" worse. The pre-testing process is miserable, though--no food for the past 2 days, just liquids, and, since midnight, can't eat, drink, or smoke. I'm thirsty, starving, and craving a cigarette (in that order, believe it or not). Given all that, frankly, I rather hope they find something. I would hate to go through this and other unpleasant things just to be told there's nothing wrong with me. Not only would I feel like I did it for nothing, but if there's something wrong with me that they can find, they can finally fix it.
7:06 AM
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Monday, June 20, 2005
It's not been a good day
The title pretty much says it all. Don't you hate it when you're lied to? Especially when it's the recruiting office of the company you've agreed to work for? I've been informed that: 1) I won't be working the position I was hired for--they need people for Care positions too much and so they won't be putting anymore people in the other position, indefinitely. Perhaps, eventually, they'll move some of the people hired for it over. Just a little bit of "bait-and-switch" there. 2) "Did we say 4 10-hour days and 3 off? Oh, how embarassing! We meant 3 12-hour days (which are technically only 11 hours because we don't pay for lunch) and a 7-hour Saturday!" 3) Finally, I was told I had to be available, no matter what, to work 730am-330pm, M-F, while in training. Now I have to be available, no matter what, to work 230pm-1030pm, M-F, for the rest of training. SURPRISE!
I have a headache, but I think if I could get my jaw to unclench and my teeth to stop grinding, it might feel better.
4:31 PM
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Monday, June 13, 2005
This is too cool!
When I was a freshman at University of Kentucky, I was in a survey art history class. That's the type where you're supposed to sail through a couple of milleniums of art history and still absorb something of importance. The only thing I really absorbed was that Jansen, the editor of the textbook we used, said that the Celts, the Germans, and other such groups of people, had no civilization because they didn't build monuments and they didn't use written language. No civilization, in this case, also meant they had no real culture, either. Apparently, they were just groups of people that wandered about, eating, sleeping, procreating, and killing, with no thought of religion, beauty, art...hell, from the way Jansen puts it, they didn't have much thought, period.
I said it at the time and it bears repeating....
BULLSHIT
I always thought that was arbitrary and elitist. He certainly couldn't provide any proof of that belief, other than, "I can't find any proof that I'm wrong, so therefore it doesn't exist."
Uh huh...
I wonder if this is proof that all civilization, culture, and art didn't spring out of Egypt and Greece
And even if it isn't one of the people/tribes I listed above, it certainly indicates that somebody was doing a little more than subsisting... And I'm maybe a little tickled to see that purple-prosed, long-winded, close-minded, poor-writing-and-worse-editing idiot get his theories shot down yet again, even if he is dead. (who me? BITTER?? I had to read that crap!).
4:39 PM
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Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Reality Check
Amazing how some things put life in perspective. I was thinking today about how it sucks getting older--gray eyebrow hairs and the stray, gray eyelash. I was thinking that being 38 makes you willing to sacrifice more paycheck for more health insurance and how saving as much as possible for your 401k is more of an imperative.
I was thinking that getting old sucks.
I feel incredibly stupid for thinking that.
I just read a message about Karma and her unborn child. I now think of how devastated her husband and her family must be. I now think of her child who is going to grow up without a mother. I remember how much that hurts. I think of how her friends, both close and merely acquainted, are in pain. I'm lucky that all I have to worry about is some kid calling me "ma'am" in training class today. I'm lucky that I have time with my children and will see them become adults and, hopefully, will see their children born. I'm lucky, gray eyebrow hairs and all.
Karma was a truly sweet, warm, friendly, fun woman who was good to me when I was feeling especially low. We haven't kept in touch, but when we did correspond, she was always the great person that I met several years ago. The world is less without her.
FAREWELL, KARMA
4:51 PM
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Better a quickie than none at all?
Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am alive, contrary to any possible rumors. If anyone still checks in here, I have a short update.
- I no longer work at Amazon. Nor do I work at my next crappy job, a convenience store that shall remain unnamed *coughSpeedwaycough*. Talk about soul-sucking jobs! Let's just say the people I worked for and with were ten times worse than the customers (even the drunks on 3rd shift on Friday)!
- I now work customer support for a cell phone company. It's not bad, so far, but admittedly, I'm still in training. I'm going to work in the "back room", doing more indepth research on specific problems and such. I'll also being helping customers via the internet/email, etc. The best part about the job (aside from more money, once I get my first paycheck) is the medical/dental/life/401k benies. Also, it isn't directly with the company, but with ACS which, from all indicators, is slowly taking over the world. After 6 months, I can put in for jobs anywhere in the company anywhere in the world. Granted, I'm happily restricted to the Lexington area, but there are various decent positions in a couple of different offices, doing other things aside from customer support.
- Jerry and I are doing wonderfully. Before, relationships have always been hard work, often with little reward. Now it's just so easy, I would probably worry if I thought about it too hard. We rarely argue, let alone fight. (I can't think of one actual "fight", quite honestly and it's been almost a year.) We share a similar sense of humor, many common interests, and a simple delight in each other. We both LOVE Lost and I've been introducing him to Carnivale, since he doesn't have cable and hasn't ever seen it.
As for *cue sexy music* other things....well, I think the computer would melt. (Besides, I would hate to send everyone screaming, "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" in my first post in months!) So I'll just say everything is very good *wink*)
- Nikki graduated high school last weekend (Memorial Day weekend). She was in the Honor Society and summa cum laude (4.2something grade point average). She's going to start University of Florida in less than a month. She wanted to start early and get a jump on her requirements. She's still planning to be a medical doctor, so she plans on majoring in biology as an undergrad.
Saw Ferg while I was down there for her graduation, but that went better than I'd hoped. Her dad was also there with his new wife, but that went fine, too. (I get along great with him, but she's been a grade-A bitch to me in the past.) I felt kind of bad because I could only afford to give her bedding and towels while everyone else was tossing her money (everybody but me), a new laptop (her dad/stepmom) that does everything but tapdance, and primo-expensive speakers (Ferg) for her car (also Ferg--he paid the downpayment, anyway, and it's nicer than anything I've had in about a decade!), but I try to remember that 1) she hopefully understands that I make considerably less than either of them and 2) she really does need that stuff since she's going to be on her own. Still...
- I'm getting the divorce pro bono, since I can't afford a lawyer and he refuses to pay for it. I just got approved, but they haven't given me a lawyer yet. I hope it happens soon, but I know it takes a while for them to get moving on such things. So, for now, he's still my "not-ex-enough"
- I had to kick Allen out of the house. He's in a rehab and he stops by to visit me every now and then. He didn't speak to me for the first month after I made him leave, but now he says it's the best thing I ever could have done for him. He's been off all drugs and alcohol for several months, he's getting group and individual counseling, he's going to GED classes (he just retook the pre-test and score in the top 5 in Kentucky) and he expects to take the actual test before he gets out of the program. He's even talking about going to community college in the fall.
- I've been dieting. It's not working.
- I have to go in for tests at the VA at the end of June, to make sure that my IBS is really IBS and not something nastier and/or deadlier. I asked for the tests because it's been getting worse, even though I'm so much better mentally that I'm off all of my anxiety and depression meds and I'm no longer seeing a shrink. The tests promise to be extremely unpleasant, though. I say that because I have to start preparing for the first one two days in advance by going on a liquid diet (that's just going to kill my stomach!
- Oh! If you like a little comedy with your horror, I have a series that you might like! It's the "Southern Vampire" series, by Charlaine Harris. It starts with Dead Until Dark and continues with Living Dead In Dallas, Club Dead, Dead To the World, and, the most recent, Dead As A Doorknob. They're highly entertaining, if not high literature. As a lover of a good story and most things vampiric, I recommend them enthusiastically!
The past few months in a nutshell...the even shorter version is that I'm reasonably healthy, extremely happy, and MISS YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!!
4:33 PM
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Thursday, March 03, 2005
Time Flies When You Toss the Clock Across the Room...
I just realized I haven't updated since Feb 3rd. Oh, I tried one other time to talk about my new job (I'm "underemployed", as they term it, as a clerk in a convenience store--a stupid job, but someone overeducated and unemployed has to do it), but blogger completely lost my entry and I was too pissed off to retype it. I'm mostly working 3rd shift and I'm now getting full-time hours, so I'm working, typically, Mon-Fri, 10pm-6am. My poor hands are all torn up because all of the cleaning on 3rd shift keeps them wet and the weather has been so bitterly cold lately. Still, it's a job and thank goodness for that!
Just got my "Woohoo! I'm getting divorced as soon as I can find time to go to the pro-bono office" tattoo. It's on my right shoulder and it's Chinese characters in black. Since Chinese is traditionally read right to left, top to bottom, I have the character for "strength" at the bottom, "rebirth/new life" in the middle, and "love" at the top. I'm hoping to have a small phoenix done next to it, to go along with the "rising from the ashes to become stronger, more powerful, and hopefully wiser" theme of my life.
Not a long entry, but I didn't want anyone thinking I'd been shanghai'ed or had developed amnesia or something.
5:22 PM
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Sunday, February 13, 2005
It's been a week...
Okay, I've started my new job. It's just working in a convenience store and the pay is really pitiful, but I'm working and some money is better than NO money. I'll be working 3rd shift starting this coming Monday (02/14). It works out because I'll be going to work about the time that he goes to bed for the night and I'll get home before he has to go to work himself--a bonus with just one working vehicle at the moment. Since I've been staying up most of most nights, it shouldn't be too difficult to work 10pm-6am. (Nice to know that insomnia can be good for something, eh?) Also, the manager said that she needs an assistant manager for 3rd shift, so if I work out, I might get trained for that. Not that I plan to do this forever, but really, who the hell ever expects to have this type of job at 38? I figure I should make the best of it, whatever happens, but that's how I always approach a job. It kind of sucks, though, since I swore I'd never have another job where I had to use a mop for any reason (mops invariably equal "low-paying customer service" jobs). But money...having money good.
12:53 PM
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Thursday, February 03, 2005
Department of Family and Children
(aka The Freak Show/Purgatory)
Got there at 8am. I was seen at 10:40am. If I'm approved, she has 30 days to process my case before I might even see a food stamp. We have about $26 for two weeks worth of groceries (which is better than the $6 we did have--Allen gave me $45, but I have to put gas in the car).
Soooooooooooooo....I spent nearly 3 hours with Barney blaring from the TV in "the Children's Corner", screaming children--one of which was definitely Damien from The Omen!, and a woman who felt the need to preach the "Word of God" very loudly while filling out her form. Once she got a pen that wasn't possessed by the Devil, that is. (It didn't work, so it was Satan trying to keep God from helping her to receive her food stamps. I swear--she stood up and demanded Satan be cast out of the Bic. They brought her a new pen.)
Don't know about the job yet....God, I'm tired.
2:51 PM
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So It's 2:30 am...
Spin City comes on at 2am. Or reruns of The Tonight Show. Such is life at 2am when you have 5 channels and you're tired of all the DVDs/tapes you own. I do have books, though, and that's a good thing. If you're going to be a truly great insomniac, you have to have something to occupy your time, after all! Even better, Jerry has books I have read yet! I'm also reading some of my art history books that I've picked up over the years and, for one reason or another, haven't read yet. The latest is Jewish Identity in Modern Art History. It's a collection of essays, most of which are pretty interesting.
Little-known, flakey factoid about me:
If reincarnation is real, I think I was a Jew in a previous life. An Orthodox Jew at that. I don't think I could ever be one now (or any other religion, really), but when I read abou the customs and strictures, the "sound" right. I couldn't be kosher if I tried, but put the information about Hasidic or Orthodox Jews in front of me and there's a part of me nodding, "Yes, that's right..."
Moving on...
So, the State of the Union address. Allen had a great idea--it's too bad that Bush hasn't been struck with that curse that Jim Carrey's character had in Liar, Liar. I am extremely interested in seeing how Bush will pay for all of those proposed domestic programs he wants to implement; this ridiculous, unworkable war in Iraq; and take on Syria (Unworkable War, Part II) and Iran (Unworkable War, Part III) as his next choice of regions to be graced with our benevolent guidance towards "liberation" (strange how it's only the oil countries that aren't friends that need our guidance, huh?) without raising taxes and cutting this record deficit he's created in half by 2009. (Apparently, he's either cultivating magic money trees in the Rose Garden or he's back on the coke habit again!)
In the morning, I take on the food stamp people. That'll be fun, no doubt. I might try going to the VA to get a couple of appointments. I have a bunch of small stuff that need to be looked at--the stomach giving me fits and the meds not working, for instance; the "can't sleep"; chronic cough; and some weird thing with my right pinkie toe. (No feeling and the toe nail fell off!) I also should see a shrink (a different one) since the depression is back.
Good news, possibly. I may have a job. It's in a convenience store of all things, but I can get 3rd shift and because of my education and experience, I could get promoted to assistant manager fairly quickly. From there, I might get a management position (or I might find a real job, who knows?). In other words, if I'm going to get a crappy job, at least I might move up to management in a short amount of time. So, hopefully, I'll have good news to report sometime soon.
I wonder if that pro bono divorce place is still around, if I can't raise the $93 for the "do it yourself" one. Sure, it'll take at least a year....uh....NO! I'd rather beg on a street corner than wait a year. I could even make a sign....
Married to an abusive alcoholic
Who stole my money and got me evicted from my home.
Must have $93 for divorce.
PLEASE HELP!!!
Think that would work???? *evil* What if I blow up that picture I have of him drunk with a stripper sprawled over him and put that on the sign, too?? I think I have that around here somewhere, still......*TRULYEVIL*
2:28 AM
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Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Depression
Depression hit hard. Very very hard. I've been beating myself to death over the job situation and resulting money situation. Not only does it make me feel like a useless sponge, I can't even afford the $93 I need to file for divorce this month.
Allen and I got into it about money--long story involving his tax return. He threw "at least I bust my ass and have a job!" at me. That made me so angry, I nearly punched him. Instead, I went into the bedroom to cool off. Then, not even 10 minutes later, I discover that Daniel skipped school again--I was asleep and he left and came back when he'd normally come home from school. Allen said he woke me up and told me but as I've told him several times--and they all know this and have used it to their advantage more than once--I don't know what I'm saying when I'm awakened from a dead sleep and I don't remember it. Daniel certainly realized it and was just pretending he'd gone to school until Allen brought up the fact that I had to write him an excuse or possibly face jail because of Daniel's truancy. I was so angry that I had to go for a long walk just to keep from doing something dreadful and permanent to the boy. He's currently grounded from all TV and Playstation for a week and if either get turned on during this week, I'm taking them and pawning them. As I told him, I could certainly use the money, so he best not think I'm joking.
So, still angry and depressed, I went to bed at 6:30pm and woke up at 10pm. Unable to go back to sleep, I tried to watch more Buffy, but the DVD wasn't working properly. I ended up bundling up and taking a long walk at 3:30am.
Okay, I've walked alone in the middle of the night in Manhattan, Washington DC, and Chicago (the latter not due to choice but because Ferg got pissed at me and abandoned me 6 blocks from the hotel at 4am). Not once have I ever been hassled, bothered, or messed with in any way. Tonight, in a nearly deserted neighborhood in Lexington, Kentucky, at 4am or so, with only my glasses and nose visible due to my heavy coat, multiple scarves, gloves, and ski cap, some guy actually asked if I was a hooker! I laughed in his face--I just couldn't help it! I mean, really...how desperate (or drunk) do you have to be to ask a woman dressed in sweats, made bulky by two layers of long underwear, athletic shoes, a heavy coat that covers three-quarters of her body, and a ski cap if she's "looking to make some money"??
2:15 PM
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Tuesday, February 01, 2005
"I'm just afraid this whole session is going to turn tinto some training montage from an 80's movie."
"Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll lay down until they go away."
I still love "Once More With Feeling". I sit and sing (badly) all the songs and I can recite most of the dialogue. I just borrowed S6 from a friend and now I'm watching all the special features that go with this particular episode.
New Things I've Learned:
I put the captions on so I could catch the dialogue I miss whenever everyone is talking/singing at the same time. I LOVE Anya's lines, particularly when she and Xander are yelling at Giles to come up with an answer just after their own duet.
"It was like we were being watched! Like there was a wall missing from our apartment! Like there were only three walls--and my toes are not hairy!"
I also finally found out the last word in Giles reply to Xander's question about whether the singing and dancing are related to the burning and dying...
"I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias."
Joss, in his commentary, explained some things I found "off" about the episode from the beginning. First, he has A/X laughing at the end of their number as an homage to 40's musicals. However, he feels the laughter usually doesn't make any sense in light of whatever particular situation is going on at the time. So the tirade to Giles just after their duet is to indicate that they're aware the laughter didn't make sense. Second, Buffy can't hear Giles's song about having to leave because she's too distant from everyone and everything. All she can feel/see/hear is her own pain. Finally, Xander was the one that summoned the demon because Joss thought it would be a complete surprise ending if it were him.
I LOVE:
Spike: "Whisper in a dead man's ear/it doesn't make it real./So let me rest in peace..."
"So, you're not staying then?"
"I hope she fries!/I'm free if that bitch dies!/I better help her out."
Willow: Her facial expression when she realizes what she's done to Buffy by resurrecting her.
"I think this line is mostly filler!"
The Parking Ticket Song
"I think that hydrant wasn't there."
There's other stuff, but suddenly, I'm exhausted. G'Night!
2:00 PM
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Stuff
(aka, I can't think of a title)
I have had the stomach ache from HELL all damned day! The "someone stuck a knife in my gut and is twisting it for fun" kind of stomach ache. None of the medicines I have are working. God, it hurts!
I'm rewatching "Life Serial" (since sleeping is out of the question). I've said it before but it bears reiteration--I HATE the ÜberGeeks! They are ridiculous caricatures of every "Geeky" behavior all rolled into one (or three, in this case)--arguing over the best James Bond and painting a Deathstar on the side of their van. A horn that sounds like the theme to Star Wars. The drooling over "free cable porn". (If they're such geniuses, couldn't they hack all the internet porn they wanted or create a descrambler for their cable box?)
It is a cute episode, though, despite them. I love her time loop in the Magic Box. I just thought they were the lamest, most pathetic villians ever used on the show. It stretches all boundaries of disbelief that she couldn't find them and take them out much sooner than she did.
1:48 PM
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Monday, January 31, 2005
Random Thoughts At 4am
- My current vote for creepiest commercial I've ever seen:
Teenaged boy steps out of a classroom into a hallway and calls to a pretty blond girl, telling her that he wants to show her something. She follows him back into the otherwise empty classroom which is now revealed to be an art studio. There's a larger-than-life, colorful bust of a girl, made from Starburst candy.
Boy: It's you!
Girl: *looks confused*
Boy: I made it for you. I used lemon for your hair because your hair is fragrant as lemons.
Girl: *still looking confused but slightly complimented*
Boy: I used cherry for your lips because your lips are juicy like cherries.
Girl: *starting to look a bit disturbed but he doesn't notice*
Boy: And your nose...your nose....
(He's now gnawing at the bust that he created, chewing on the nose and making almost orgasmic "mmmmmmmm" noises! Girl looks sick.)
This is supposed to make me want to buy Starburst??? *shudder*
- My vote for "Commercial That Makes Me Go Ewwwwwwwww!":
Three extremely sexy girls are working out and discussing what they're going to do that evening.
"I know!" says one. "Let's call the Singles Hot Line!"
"Yeah!" says another. "The last time we called, we met the hottest guys!"
*Cut to one of the sexy girls on the phone...*
"Great! See you tonight! And don't forget to bring a friend!"
*Cut to three girls dressed up in the standard Playboy Bunny/Porn Star gear, waiting. The doorbell rings and all 3 rush to the door. One opens the door to 2 Abercombie-looking guys.*
"Ooooooo! You're as hot as you said you were! And so's your friend!" (Mind you, it's now 3 girls, 2 guys...)
So! Call this number and you (and two or three of your closest friends) can have an orgy with some stranger(s) that you've invited to your house! Yay?
- Really strange dreams this weekend. Saturday morning, I dreamed I was in a hotel, in an apartment-sized suite. Ferg was there. I kept trying to find Jerry, who was supposed to be on the 2nd floor (I was on the 5th) and ditch Ferg, who kept throwing obstacles and diversions at me. I got rid of Ferg, but I couldn't find Jerry no matter where I looked.
Sunday morning, I dreamed I was wandering through an open market. I had enough money to buy one really nice item, but I wanted more. I started putting small items I wanted--fancy perfume bottles, oppulent little bags, etc--into a bigger, quilted purse/backpack thing (it was really pretty). I didn't actually get to the point of stealing anything because I woke up before I had to go to the cashier.
- I've only seen a few eps of Andromeda this year... What the hell is going on?? What happened to the oh-so-droolworthy Tyr?? Where are they, hgow did they get there, and why? Isn't this new Nietzian the guy who had been the first officer that betrayed Dillon before he got trapped in the blackhole? He's okay, but where's Tyr?? And Bekka is the "Mother of all Nietzians"?? Huh?
- Finding a job just got harder--they turned off the phone again and there's no way we can afford to turn it back on. *sigh*
- Is it strange that the ones with the supposed "chick flick" that I haven't seen (and, consequently, borrow) belong to the guys I know? These are straight guys, btw. Meanwhile, I own movies like "Blood of Heroes" (Rutger Hauer, B-grade action movie), "Leon (the Professional)", "The Hunted", etc. Of course, I own stuff like "City of Angels", too, but I have a lot more action movies than chick flicks.
- I don't sleep anymore. Well, I do every now and then, but my schedule is so out-of-whack it's insane! The suckiest part of that is that I really miss my cuddle-time with Jerry. But if I go to bed, I just lay there, my brain spinning 'round and 'round with thoughts of any and everything. I toss and turn and I'm afraid I'm keeping him from sleeping or waking him up. The only time I can sleep is if I'm so exhausted, I can't keep my eyes open or after sex (The second one is a really nice way to relax enough to fall asleep--I highly recommend it! *grin*).
- A job. A job. My kingdom for a job! Er...okay--no kingdom to offer...My gratitude and hard work for a job! I guess I could take up begging as a career. Allen wanted to raise some money and actually panhandled for it and made $40 in a day! (Yes, I was appalled to hear he actually went begging!)
More later....I have a bunch of stuff I wrote and not enough time at the moment.
6:55 AM
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Gray Days
For the first time since returning to Lexington, I'm really depressed. I can't find a decent job and I don't know why.
I send out resumes and never even get an acknowledgement. I fill out applications for jobs that they hire just about anyone for and never get a call. What few (3 so far) interviews I get either go badly or I simply get the same old, "I'm not going to get this job" vibe. That isn't me being insecure--I'm 100% accurate thus far on whether or not I'm going to hear from someone ever again.
Today, for instance... I looked great. I carefully picked my outfit, did my makeup, and even put my hair up in a twist. I answered the questions thoughtfully and made sure to come across confident and sincere without getting too personal or effusive. However, I could definitely tell she wasn't particularly impressed. In fact, I started to get the "I'm not going to get this job" vibe about half way through. then she said, "Are you an expert in Excel?" I told her I had some experience with it. She said, dismissively, "I need someone with exceptional Excel skills. Frankly, I could do something, myself, faster than training someone else to do it." She then started gathering up her papers. I told her that I pick up new software quickly and would be willing to train on my own time and take a lower starting salary but she just said, "We'll be in touch."
So, no, I'm fairly certain I didn't get the job. Meanwhile, the bills are getting higher with the cold weather and Jerry is justifiably freaking. I'm just a big financial drain. A money pit. I contribute nothing to the household but higher bills and stress (financial and kids).
Why won't anyone hire me??? I can't even get a pawn shop or a check-cashing place to grant me an interview! Meanwhile, all the places I really want to work don't call either.
*SIGH!*
The weather is overcast and cold. Pretty much perfect for my state of mind at the moment when we don't even know how we'll pay the bills.
And in other news...
Allen moved back in, after signing a contract I drew up about specific rules he must follow or move out immediately. He ran out of money and neither of us could let him sleep outside in 4 degree Fahrenheit weather, but I wasn't letting him back in without his understanding that this was only temporary and that after he pays us back everything he borrowed or stole, he has to provide me with a viable plan and a timetable for moving out on his own.
So far, he's been very good about abiding by the rules. We'll see how long that lasts.
2:19 PM
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Monday, January 17, 2005
When it rains, it pours!
I may not have been able to get online, but I've been writing stuff to post here for when I did have time. Consider yourself warned! *wink*
7:06 PM
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Saturday, January 15, 2005
I realize that I've made numerous updates today and I hope you'll notice some of the changes, also. In particular, the quote to the left by Charles de Lint.
Charles de Lint has always been one of my favorite writers in a "if only I had the skill, talent, and mastery of words to write that way" way. Few authors give me such a sense that I'm immersing myself in a mesmerizing flow of words, sentences, beautiful tale as he does. Only Isabelle Allende gives me that same awe. That same feeling of having read an engrossing story and beautiful poetry at the same time.
I describe some art as having "lyrical" lines. That is, the eye is drawn over it, moving from line to line, plane to plane. The lines flow gloriously into each other and simply staring at it, letting it wash over you, leaves a visceral feeling of pure joy. Reading de Lint and Allende comes very close to those feelings and I know, instinctively, that I'm in the presence of great art--even if I'm barely able to describe it. (I'm sure they would both demure but Beth/Merope and Natalie/Soulsearcher come very close to engendering that feeling, also. Of course, I'm blessed with many friends who write wonderfully. And my writing is okay. In comparison to Beth and Natalie, however, I'm embarrassed by my scribblings.)
Enough raving. I have to stop before I start squealing like a 13-year old at an Usher concert. There was actually a thought, even purpose, to this post...
If I could just remember what it was....
10:15 PM
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Sunday, January 09, 2005
And finally the new year...
Sometimes it feels like it's been forever since I've been online. As with any addiction, the overwhelming sense of need begins to fade and going out to find a computer becomes so much less important.
Things are in flux here, as with everyone's life. Yet some things remain the same--a comforting and satisfying routine where the days blur together.
The weather vacillates between unseasonably (but welcome) warmth and constant flood warnings and bone-chilling cold and snow advisories. Money is always short, but the stress you'd expect at that is nonexistant because the bills are paid and there's always food to eat. My health is pretty good--the blood pressure is still good and my anxiety is largely a thing of the past. On the other hand, I've had chronic sinus problems since working at Amazon (much worse than usual, that is, because of all the dust there, I suspect) and post-nasal drip. I think that is contributing to my constant stomach aches and inability to keep my food down since I don't feel upset enough about anything to bring on this kind of reaction. I certain don't feel the level of stress and unhappiness that made me so sick before.
Things are up and down, of course. Despite our tight finances, Christmas and New Year's were wonderful. Also, Jerry had the week between the two holidays off and we had a great time just hanging out with each other. We saw friends and watched a lot of DVDs/tapes. I also saw all three seasons of Alias before last week's premiere. Yes, I'm officially hooked! All I'm missing is my official Fan Girl card. (I highly suspect that J.J. Abrams has a serious problem with marriage/wives, though! Every wife turns out to be a double agent and even Emily "betrayed" her husband, for chrissake!)
Other things aren't so wonderful, however. Allen moved out this past Thursday and is living in a pay-by-the-week motel. He is still stunned (and blames Jerry) that anyone is actually making him face the consequences of his actions. He didn't bother to save any money in the two weeks that he had, despite the two paychecks and the $100 his dad sent. He made sure that he blamed me for "throwing him away like garbage" --it couldn't possibly be that he did anything wrong by stealing, destroying property, or not respecting other people's rooms/property. I pointed out that 1) he made his choices--no one made him do the things he did, 2) he's 18 and did he expect that I'd feed and house him forever, no matter what?
I DO feel guilty, though. I feel like I let him down and didn't do something right. What kind of parenting skills do I have? There's Allen's determined self-destruction and seeming lack of remorse. (He's always gotten angry whenever he's been forced to face the consequences of something he's done.) Then Daniel--still purposefully failing (by refusing to make the slightest effort) any class he doesn't care about, despite every possible punishment or incentive that I've ever though of or tried over the past five or six years. Nicki acts like she hates me half the time and refused to see me over the holidays when her father offered to bring her down.
In Daniel's case, I got to thinking about the situation while I was still working at Amazon. Maybe I'm approaching this from the wrong angle. I'm seriously considering attempting to homeschool him. In Nikki's case, I haven't a clue. For that matter, even the cat is acting out and has started using the new rug (new to us--a friend was moving and gave it to us) as a litter box.
*sigh!*
I'm expecting my "WORLD'S SUCKIEST MOM!" button at any time.
The job search must begin again, but not this week. We have less than a $1 until Friday and the kids' dad changed jobs again. That means my child support that had been deducted straight from his paycheck isn't being deducted until they set it up with his new employer. I told him 3 weeks ago exactly how to contact child support enforcement and give them his new information and he just informed me that it was too much trouble and I needed to contact them. At least he told me where he works. Not the address, mind you, just the name. He was supposed to call back with the address and phone number. He didn't.
I mentioned the stomach pain. I didn't mention that the VA meds aren't working anymore.
Speaking of pain, there's a constant pain in my ass--Ferg! He actually called my ex and told him that I was neglecting Nikki! Then he told Tracy that he wanted to seek partial custody of her! First, over my dead body! Second, no court in the country would give a 37 year old alcoholic with a yen for teenagers even partial custody (and if he wanted to actually go push to shove, I'll let him explain those pictures and video clips on his computer to the court!) of a 17-year old girl. Third, she's going to be 18 in April, you stupid yutz! All I have to do is wait a couple more months and I don't have the money to file now, anyway, idiot! Finally, I'll kill him. Of course, it might be a fight with her dad over who gets to do that but since he could get lost on a racetrack, I figure I'll get there first.
I've been thinking of volunteering. The weather has been so bad that the homeless shelters are strained and I'm thinking of volunteering at one. All the talk and images in the aftermath of the tsunami makes me wish I could go there and help in some way. I don't know what I could do, though. Not like I'm big on the needed skills (aka, medical; construction; teaching), but I hate to see so much devastation and it's not like we can afford to give any money.
Finally, thanks to everyone that sent a Christmas card! I'm still planning to send mine out, but it's looking like it might be Christmas in July!
Oh...one last thing. If you're reading a book and so violently disagree with a state that you note the quote and write a 3-page rebuttal, are you losing it? It's a book called, Women, Art, and Society. (Me and feminist art historical theory don't get along. More on why later, if anyone is interested.)
9:40 PM
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