A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
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Beyond the Invisible
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The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
'Twas the Wednesday Before Christmas
It's somewhere around 1am and the sky is falling. At least you'd think it was around Lexington. We've been in the midst of a winter storm advisory since last Friday. In tones of grace concern (barely concealing their excitement that someone might freeze or crash their car or something!), the newscasters and weather people have been forecasting rain turning to freezing rain turning to snow as if it were a portent of the end of the world. It's the main story on every local news segment and runs on little alert banners on the bottom of the tv screen. Meanwhile, the stores have been ravaged. People around here always descend on the grocery stores at the slightest hint of snow as if they were predicting a siege and a rain of hellfire. Shelves are cleaned out of bottled water, milk, bread, and anything snow-related (or even cold-related).
Enough about the goofy people that act like it never snows here when it does every year (I swear, you'd think it was a blizzard at the equator for all the carrying on about it!)
It's amazing how things can change in a few days time.
I don't work at Amazon anymore and the job search starts again.
Allen is moving out (he kind of has to). He's supposed to talk to an army recruiter on the Tuesday after Christmas. With the situation we have, though, I don't if Iraq is a much better choice than "homeless". He has two weeks to find a new situation, however, so I hope he's thinking of something. At least the military will feed him and put a roof over his head. (If he can pass the drug test *rolleyes*.)
He pretty much used up all of Jerry's patience with him with the theft. Then he wasn't paying the debt back as he had agreed to do and he wrote on the door to his room (Purposeful destruction of property was to be considered 2 weeks notice--Jerry told him that after Allen tried to beat Daniel's door down with a bed frame when we first moved in). So, out the door he goes, claiming all the way that it isn't fair and he was screwed over because he wrote on the door months ago and hasn't done anything destructive since the theft incident. But he knew what he had to do to pay us back and went back on the agreement not 24 hours later because I don't think he ever really believed that Jerry or I would really kick him out. As for the door, Jerry says if it was there for months, then Allen just got a lot of grace time since he knew the rule about destruction. I can't say I don't agree with him. I feel guilty as hell, but Allen can't continue to treat people however he wants and never expect to have to answer for it. *sigh*
I have to Christmas shop on Christmas Eve. Isn't that one of the outer rings of Hell, right next to "Endlessly-looped-through-various-automated-unhelpful-phone-systems-when-you-really-need-a-human" Hell?
There's so many people I should have called already and haven't. Nikki called and I haven't returned her call yet. Maybe I'm still upset with her, but I should talk to her. I haven't called my grandmother or my inlaws, either. Just answering the phone when it rings is difficult. I think maybe I'm just hibernating again. I've only been out of the house to get the mail and I went to the grocery today. Sounds like hibernation to me. Or depression, but I don't feel depressed. I did spend the last two days finally working on the front room. It's been a minefield of unpacked boxes, books, and deconstructed book shelves since I moved in. Now the book shelves are put together; the books are shelved; pictures are hanging on the walls. I've got three unpacked boxes, still, and some other odds and ends. So I have accomplished something.
Even though I don't feel depressed, however, I think that I need to see about starting therapy again. Not with that iceberg they sent me to last time, though. She was awful! How do you trust your feelings to someone who all but accuses you of being a drug addict even after you've denied taking illegal drugs five times? I do want to talk to someone about Ferg, though. He occupies my thoughts far too often. Not in a "I miss him so much and I'm still in love with him" way. More of a "I'm so angry and everything seems to remind me how furious I am with him and how good it would be to hit him repeatedly with something--like a car" way. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel anything about him. I don't want him occupying my thoughts in any way. Besides, anger isn't healthy. I like this new, mostly healthy feeling. It's good not to have high blood pressure and not have migraines all the time. It's good not to have anxiety attacks all the time. So I think that if I can get a decent therapist again, I can work out this rage in me towards him.
I'm reading A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman. I highly recommend it and her earlier book, A Natural History of the Senses. She has a wonderful writing style and I love the way that she weaves historical fact, ancedotes, pop culture, and a multitude of other strands of thought and philosophy into an extremely interesting and informative whole.
I'm either sending Christmas cards out on Christmas Eve or right afterwards, so if you want a belated Christmas card, drop me an email with your address.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
9:10 PM
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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Holiday Update (sometime before Christmas)
- Do Christmas newsletters truly exist or are they simply an enduring holiday myth, like fruitcake? I've never received one and I've certainly never written/sent one. Perhaps it's a rich WASP thing and I wouldn't understand?
Soooooooo, since I've never received a Christmas newsletter and never written one and, certainly, never sent one, this is NOT a Christmas newsletter. Really!
- There's been an extraordinary amount of changes of the past year. I left Tallahassee. It was past time for a change and since people frown on certain changes, I chose to move back to Lexington. The weather here has been wonderful and I have a fantastic new career!
- Probably the biggest change in my life is a new relationship forged from my oldest friendship. Never before have I been with someone so loving and giving. There may be no such thing as "The One" or there may be many potential "The One" 's. That said, I've never had someone with whom I had such a perfect fit on every level. All those qualities that everyone had expressed irritation (or outright hatred) for, he finds endearing or even loves me for them (as opposed to "in spite of").
- One thing that hasn't changed is the fact that my kids appear determined to drive me crazy.
Allen: Still no GED. Still hasn't paid me back the money he owes me. Possibly just got a job (a second one) with FedEx and he told lthat he has to be at work at 5am. Mind you, no buses run that early. Clearly the expectation is that one of us will drive hime to work 5 days a week. Oh, and he stole almost $300 from Jerry's bank account to pay the phone bill. (He didn't like having it turned off.) Note that we only had $4 to our name when he did this, so the paid it and charged an overdraft fee. For the curious, he found an old checkbook with the carbon paper stubbs and got the routing number and the account number. Jerry was going to press charges, but decided that he didn't want a felony conviction hanging over Allen's head if, in the future, he DOES get his act together. So, instead, he's supposed to be paying us back.
Did I mention I just found a bag of pot in his room?
Daniel: He just turned 15 on the 11th. He seems happy with the presents even though we couldn't get him a lot. I'm awaiting his upcoming report card--he's been warned that anything less than a "C" in anything will result in a life of misery. He should be able to get "C"'s with his eyes closed, so those "F"'s must have been strenuously earned.
Nikki: I love her, but I'm so hurt, angry, and disappointed in her right now! I don't even want to speak to her. Not only has she been thrashing me, verbally, to Ferg and her Dad and not only has she made a fuss about "her" money--I now find out that she's given him (Ferg) my address! I don't know what's going through her head, but I want to shake the sense back into her! She's spending one or two nights a week at his place. They go out to dinner. He gives her money and has promised to buy her a car. (He's pulled out all the stops!) Even with all that, it's not like she didn't witness years of him drunk, mean, yelling and breaking things! How could she possibly fall for this big act he's putting on now? (Up to and including sending Daniel a birthday card with a long sappy letter inside about how much he loved and missed him. Daniel just rolled his eyes, handed me the letter, and said, "When did Ferg start writing comedy?")
- Some thoughts on Amazon.com:
~ There are entirely too many "Dummies". I know this because of all the books for them:
Wine for Dummies: Do "dummies" really need the added benefit of alcohol?
Sex for Dummies: "This is Slot A. This is Tab B. Insert Tab B into Slot A. Congratulations! You're having sex!"
Spanish for Dummies: "Que?"
Italian for Dummies: "Whatsa mattah you?"
~ Then there are the Learn insert language here While You Drive! CDs. I can't help picturing something like:
"Get off the road, asshole!"
"Obtenez outre de la route, abruti!" (French)
"Gehen Sie von der Straße, Arschloch weg!" (German)
"Ottenga fuori della strada, asshole!" (Italian)
~ Everyone is having "Chicken Soup"--teachers, sisters, grandparents, teens. Who knew there was such a market for meaningless platitudes aimed at specific audiences?
~ People order a lot of big, heavy, "coffee table" books at Christmas. My guess is they are the gift of choice for "needs a nice gift but you don't really know a thing about them" people.
~ Gary Larson has a 2-volume, leather-bound set of all of his cartoons, ever. These aren't books, they're construction material! Buy a couple of sets and you have four walls! I like Gary Larson cartoons, but after spending a day lifting those things over and over, I would love to beat him with one!
~ Who the hell is Josh Groban and why does he sell so many albums?
No.
Really.
I don't know who he is...
~ I found out today that opening and looking at a book is a firing offense. I'm not making that up.
- I'm craving steak and Chinese food (separately, of course) in an extreme way
- Someone is messing with us. Someone called and sic'ed the city government on us. We have 30 days to replace the storm doors and some other stuff. Worse, the following day, we both got notices on our cars. The gist of those were that you can't have a non-working vehicle on your property in Fayette co. Not only is this ridiculous (they're not on blocks, you know!) but my car works. We have 10 days for that one!
See...I told you this wasn't a Christmas newsletter.
8:11 PM
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Friday, December 17, 2004
November again? Possibly early December...
Dreams
Dreaming. Such a wealth of meaning in one word. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." Somehow, I find it unlikely that that singer of this song is actually having nightly visions of some sort of Currier & Ives version of a perfectly pristine, snow-covered Christmas Day. (If I were, I'd consider it a nightmare. Give me a balmy 70-something degrees any day!)
"I dream of becoming a _________". Again, it's a hope for the future, not meant to be taken literally as something the person dreams about while asleep. At least, in most cases.
Then there is the nightly picture show that occupies our brain while we sleep. I know of several people who say they can direct their dreams and shape them how they wish. That is "lucid dreaming". It's also a talent I don't possess unless you count suddenly realizing you're dreaming and waking yourself up. I don't even remember most of my dreams for more than a few minutes after I wake up. All I know is that I'm prone to anxiety-inducing dreams. I awaken, disturbed and shaky, unable to articulate exactly why other than knowing it's somehow related to whatever it was I was dreaming about.
Notable Exceptions
I have two recurring dreams. In one, I'm confronted with a number of desirable items (jewelry, clothing, candy, whatever) and I can only have one. I simply can't decide. I fuss and fuss and change my mind, but I never arrive at a decision. I'm usually topless in that dream for some reason, though I don't appear to be bothered about it, even though I'm in a public place.
In the other, I'm walking down a sidewalk or street and there's someone I don't know coming towards me from the opposite direction. We make eye contact as we pass each other and I instantly know it's a demon (the person is sometimes male, sometimes female). I turn to watch them and they're looking back at me. They always say, "We know who you are and we know where to find you." I always wake up at that point, terrified.
As for the dream that inspired this post, it was very weird. I was pregnant. VERY pregnant. No one could explain how or why, since I knew in the dream that I'd had the partial hysterectomy last year. Every doctor in the dream (they kept bringing in more and more of them) was baffled and wanted to run all kinds of tests on me, even though they could kill the baby. That's when I woke up, extremely anxious--which is strange. The anxiety, that is, since it wasn't really a nightmare and I wasn't afraid in the dream, just confused.
Opinions?
Dreams of your own?
7:49 PM
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Sometime in November?
Fear
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.
~Incubus, "Drive"
Some days, it's so easy. Easy to wrap myself in his love and strength like a warm blanket. Other days, it's harder. He's so implacable in some ways. I knew he had a stubborn streak. I've known that stubborn, inmoveable side since we were kids. The hard look and harsh tone are new to me, though. It is a side never shown to me before.
Not that I see it very often, of course. But I irritate him and try his patience. I did warn him that I'm easier to love from a distance. Everyone who has ever claimed to love me has left me, physically or emotionally, so I must be extremely difficult to live with on a day-to-day basis. Difficult to the point of "not worth it". So, when that look comes to his face, I get terrified that history is repeating itself. That he's regretting his choices. That he's regretting the offer for me and mine to stay here. That he may love me but living with me and my children is just too much.
It doesn't help that I'm still working from a position of dependence. The dependence makes me terrified. Terrified that I'm putting too much stress on his finances and too much stress on his feelings for me. That they both will break under my weight. Then there's the fact that I've spent years dealing with the fear of saying too much or saying the wrong thing. The "Oh God, I'm going to get in trouble!" feeling hit me so hard this morning that I didn't immediately own up to an implied question that he asked this morning. I didn't lie--I didn't answer it. That hard look and sharp tone came back into his face when he asked me why I didn't speak up and, instantly, that "I'm in trouble!" feeling and the accompanying panic redoubled. He left for work--he had to--but I just stood there, in the doorway, with my head hung low, feeling about an inch tall.
But how do you explain that you're a grown adult who can be overwhelmed with the fear of "getting in trouble", as if you were still a child? How do you admit that you were scared of looking stupid for doing what you thought was the right thing at the time after you just argued that you weren't stupid about that particular thing? As ridiculous as it sounds, that's why I didn't immediately say, "Yes, that was me." I wanted to explore the other possible causes first before I had to admit, "Yes, I was stupid again." However, once all other choices were eliminated, threre was only one left--I'm a dumbass.
Fear is a terrible thing. It colors so many aspects. Repaints the internal landscape. I'm so damned afraid of so much. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being inherently unloveable. Afraid of looking stupid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid of being "in trouble". Afraid of fucking everything up. Afraid of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and driving him away. Yet, once again, I'm fucking everything up. It sucks because I love him so damned much on so many levels.
I hope I get a job today.
I hope he's not too angry with me.
On another note, I've been having what feels like hot flashes. Early menopause?
________________________________________________________________
Update on this post: It was written after we'd had a fight, obviously. We talked everything out when he got home that evening--actually talked, as opposed to him lecturing me and making me feel like crap. It helps the fear a lot, knowing that he's going to act like a rational person and listen to me and vice versa. I still get scared if I think he's mad, but it's an old reflex response. I trust him enough to push past that reflex and talk to him because I always want us to be able to talk things out.
I'm considerably less fearful, in general. I'm not afraid that he's going to reject me or stop loving me just because we have a disagreement. (Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but who ever said fear was rational?)
As for the hot flashes, according to the doc, my hormone levels are normal, so who knows what they are. *shrug*
7:11 PM
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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
A Quickie
I don't have a lot of time at the moment (and I just scanned through over 300 pieces of email, deleting out the spam. Only 1 email actually belonged to me.). But anyway, enough foreplay:
- Mandatory overtime = 57 hours, total, a week = a very sore, tired woman feeling her age. Everyone that said it would get easier after a couple of weeks (and lots of people told me that) were WRONG! However, the money is nice even if I don't get any time to look at the stuff I think is interesting because I have to fulfill my hourly quota. From the sound of things, though, I probably won't have a job after Christmas. Frankly, I don't know that I could keep up with this anywhere near longterm anyway.
- I've been sick for the past couple of days. I think I said one too many times that I don't catch the flu/colds/etc. Speaking of which, if anyone should happen to find a lung laying about....
*COUGH!*
- Nik isn't coming to visit. It became very obvious that she really didn't want to be here. Other stuff has happened, as well, and she's spent the better part of a couple of months not speaking to me. (Gee, just because I got pissed about her running to Ferg and sic'ing him on me because she couldn't appreciate that I didn't have $200 to send her when her car broke down--after telling him things about me and my life that were untrue, unnecessary, and/or both??) I just found out last night that she apparently has been sobbing to her dad that I haven't been supporting her and have just "abandoned" her (interesting spin to put on "let her stay after she insisted she didn't want to leave" and "completely broke, but finding a way to send her money anyway"). He sent me half the child support and a note explaining that he'd be sending "her share" directly to her from now on. When I confronted her with that and the fact that she'd already received the money and let me borrow money from my grandmother to send her the same amount and wasn't going to say anything about it at all, she got huffy and got off the phone. Guess it's another month of silence.
- Hmmmmmm....other than such stuff, life is GOOD. Very very good.
Okay, I need to work on my "quickies". This one took far longer than it was supposed to. *grin*
4:59 PM
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