A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
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Beyond the Invisible
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The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
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Friday, December 17, 2004
Sometime in November?
Fear
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.
~Incubus, "Drive"
Some days, it's so easy. Easy to wrap myself in his love and strength like a warm blanket. Other days, it's harder. He's so implacable in some ways. I knew he had a stubborn streak. I've known that stubborn, inmoveable side since we were kids. The hard look and harsh tone are new to me, though. It is a side never shown to me before.
Not that I see it very often, of course. But I irritate him and try his patience. I did warn him that I'm easier to love from a distance. Everyone who has ever claimed to love me has left me, physically or emotionally, so I must be extremely difficult to live with on a day-to-day basis. Difficult to the point of "not worth it". So, when that look comes to his face, I get terrified that history is repeating itself. That he's regretting his choices. That he's regretting the offer for me and mine to stay here. That he may love me but living with me and my children is just too much.
It doesn't help that I'm still working from a position of dependence. The dependence makes me terrified. Terrified that I'm putting too much stress on his finances and too much stress on his feelings for me. That they both will break under my weight. Then there's the fact that I've spent years dealing with the fear of saying too much or saying the wrong thing. The "Oh God, I'm going to get in trouble!" feeling hit me so hard this morning that I didn't immediately own up to an implied question that he asked this morning. I didn't lie--I didn't answer it. That hard look and sharp tone came back into his face when he asked me why I didn't speak up and, instantly, that "I'm in trouble!" feeling and the accompanying panic redoubled. He left for work--he had to--but I just stood there, in the doorway, with my head hung low, feeling about an inch tall.
But how do you explain that you're a grown adult who can be overwhelmed with the fear of "getting in trouble", as if you were still a child? How do you admit that you were scared of looking stupid for doing what you thought was the right thing at the time after you just argued that you weren't stupid about that particular thing? As ridiculous as it sounds, that's why I didn't immediately say, "Yes, that was me." I wanted to explore the other possible causes first before I had to admit, "Yes, I was stupid again." However, once all other choices were eliminated, threre was only one left--I'm a dumbass.
Fear is a terrible thing. It colors so many aspects. Repaints the internal landscape. I'm so damned afraid of so much. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being inherently unloveable. Afraid of looking stupid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid of being "in trouble". Afraid of fucking everything up. Afraid of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and driving him away. Yet, once again, I'm fucking everything up. It sucks because I love him so damned much on so many levels.
I hope I get a job today.
I hope he's not too angry with me.
On another note, I've been having what feels like hot flashes. Early menopause?
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Update on this post: It was written after we'd had a fight, obviously. We talked everything out when he got home that evening--actually talked, as opposed to him lecturing me and making me feel like crap. It helps the fear a lot, knowing that he's going to act like a rational person and listen to me and vice versa. I still get scared if I think he's mad, but it's an old reflex response. I trust him enough to push past that reflex and talk to him because I always want us to be able to talk things out.
I'm considerably less fearful, in general. I'm not afraid that he's going to reject me or stop loving me just because we have a disagreement. (Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but who ever said fear was rational?)
As for the hot flashes, according to the doc, my hormone levels are normal, so who knows what they are. *shrug*
7:11 PM
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bravenet.com
