A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
Beyond the Invisible
| 
The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
|
|
| |
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
ARGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!
I'm slipping into early senility. I should have heeded the warning signs, but I thought it was just a quirk of my personality that I can never find my car in the parking lot. I've spent years justifying not knowing whether the person I'm looking at looks familiar because I've met them before or they look like someone I've met before or I've just seen them around a lot (perhaps in the parking lots where I'm looking for my car). I have to acknowledge, finally, that this all isn't just a personality quirk. I'm losing my memory in chunks. Usually the important chunks. For instance, I just tried four different passwords to access the WD to no avail. Two of these are passwords that I use for just about everything and the other two are new arrivals in my reportoire that I began using to foil the kids. So here I sit, waiting to find out what my password is and hoping it arrives in my mailbox before my remaining 41 minutes is up (I'm on the computer at the library).
In other news, my spelling sucks because I don't have my handy dictionary handy. It is not a symptom of my impending senility, just an indication that I can't spell worth a damn.
More importantly, I go to Manpower tomorrow to do some tests for them and hopefully get a job. I am also attending a job fair on Friday. (I'd lost the disc that had my resume on it--fortunately I stumbled across it in my computer!)
Speaking of my complete lack of memory these days, I thought for sure that I'd put my silk paintings in the moving van and I've been looking around, assuming that they were buried under something or misplaced. I just heard from Nikki last night that I left them behind at the house and she thought that meant I didn't want them anymore. They're now lost forever--the landlord has cleared everything that was left behind out, of course. So there goes the last of my tangible art work and the last of the silk paintings that I'll probably ever do, given the amount of space needed and the expense of creating them. I'm really very upset about this. I just about cried.
Oh well. *sigh*
3:03 PM
(0) comments
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Loose Ends
I spoke to my father-in-law, Bill, yesterday. I'd been pretty concerned about him and Donna since they were right in the path of Hurricane Charley. Apparently, even though they are almost at the center of the state, the hurricane was still at Force 3 when it hit (first time a hurricane has hit there since the 1920's). I hadn't been able to get in touch with them for a week, which made me more concerned.
Things Learned Thus Far
- Donna is down in Fort Lauderdale with Tammy (Ferg's sister) and is fine.
- Bill is back out on the road again already, since he can't afford to let a hurricane cause him to lose a week's pay.
- No one has been home to receive the package I sent them with the letter to them and the letter/packet to Ferg. He's promised to send it out as soon as possible, though, and without giving Ferg my address. (He even offered to drop it from some other state somewhere when he was on the road again.)
- He says they both understand why I left and that he thinks I did the right thing. He also said they still love me and I'll always be family. I really love those guys.
As I mentioned before, I've been avoiding Ferg's emails, so he snuck one in on me by sending me a PM on BuffyGuide. That would mean he's lurking there. Oh well...I haven't posted there since the 6th and I haven't read anything since I left because my computer time is limited and there's so much new stuff that catching up would be nearly impossible. Anyway, he sent me a PM because he wanted to tell me that he's "willing" to give me my freedom, but we "needed to talk" to "settle" things. He even promised no confrontations. No thank you. I emailed him and told him the bare bones of what I'd written in his letter and told him I'd either initiate divorce procedures when I could afford it or he could. I also asked him to contact me via his parents. (In other words, I wish he'd quit calling my phone and Nikki's phone. Neither of us wish to talk to him. I wonder if there's some way to block the number via Sprint on a cell phone.)
Anyway, he registered as ACU2769. He probably won't post, since his only purpose appears to have been to contact me in a way that I wasn't expecting and less likely to delete. He's been bozo'd and I've blocked him from my email addresses.
3:21 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
EDIT: And in the bizarre world of blogger and computers, in general, my huge opus that I typed and lost before has reappeared!
Yet Another Update (with some repeated parts because I didn't know that the missing post was suddenly going to reappear from wherever it was when it disappeared and I don't feel like editing my entire new update)
We're here. There are still boxes everywhere, though I'm gradually working on that. I don't have a job yet, the phone is still off, and I don't have internet access at the house. Other than the "not having a job yet" part, which is bad because I never wanted him to have to support me and mine financially, I haven't really minded the isolation. I think I've been hiding in my "den", though, and it's time to come out. Hopefully, the phone will be back on by the end of the week and I can start seriously job hunting.
As Jerry mentioned in the replies to my last post, I had this very long update that I spent an extremely long time on and it vanished into the cosmos. *GROWL!!!* It mostly discussed that I feel extremely guilty that I haven't had the money I'd hoped to have and he's had to put out for expenditures that he shouldn't have to put out for, especially when money is so closely budgeted for him anyway. I also discussed certain issues with Allen, including his complete unwillingness to get out of his own way and do SOMETHING--get that GED business taken care of; get a job; go to Lexington Community College; anything. He seems to be under the impression that he can hang out, eat everything in sight, complain constantly about being bored and hating it here, and holding his hand out for cigarettes and money. He's about to get a rude awakening. I think I'm going to have to give him a time limit and say, "This is it--this is how much time you have to get your act together." Jerry agrees that might be the only way to motivate him.
In the meantime, adjustments are being made on both sides (which of course, makes me feel guilty because I'm just neurotic that way--the fact that he has to deal with Allen or give me money or that the house is still a wreck or that I'm having an anxiety attack...he says it's okay, but...*sigh*...I don't know...). On the plus side, his youngest and mine get along really great together--I had a feeling that they probably would. And his friends have been very welcoming. I'm still a little shy about putting my stuff out or on the walls, but that's just my insecurity.
Ferg hasn't contacted me directly, but he's sent me 3 emails that I've deleted without reading. Harsh, but I don't want to deal with him. I sent him a letter detailing what happened, why, where he can find his stuff, etc. I also told him that I didn't want to "think about it, mull things over, or try again after some time". Instead, I'd appreciate it if he made no further contact with me (and there really isn't any reason). I sent the letter via his parents--right before Hurricane Charley, so I don't know if they've even received it. I hope so. The were in the path of the storm, but far enough from the coast that hopefully they just got a bad thunderstorm.
Anyway, off to unpack more things, hopefully. I think I have to drop stuff off Goodwill. I want to have all of my clothes put away and maybe even find room for the kitchen stuff.
OH! Stuff I'd almost forgotten!
- My car was vandalized three nights in a row by some unknown person. The first night, they spit tobacco all over it. The next two nights, they keyed it. So far it's been left alone for the past two nights, but I don't know what the hell was going on. I haven't been here long enough to piss anyone off and he doesn't have any broken-hearted, disappointed women in the shadows.
- Allen declared that Jerry and I "look good together" and that he likes how he treats me and Daniel. Considering the boy has been pretty much mad at the world since he's been here, I was taken aback. Then he told me that if I "fuck this up, he's going to be very pissed at me because Jerry seems like a really great guy". I guess I've been warned.
- I may have to pull a "warrior MOM" moment. I signed Daniel up for "free lunch" for now and asked on Friday, before school started, if they'd please inform the cafeteria so that he could eat. She swore that she would. They've denied him lunch for the past two days. If he comes home without eating today, I'm going up there and drop-kicking some people.
- I'm sure there's more stuff, but I can't think of a thing...
I've been somewhat distracted lately in the best of ways. *grin*
12:17 PM
(0) comments
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Rumors of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated
This was written yesterday (Aug 14) about things leading up until then...
I'm sure most of you have figured out that I'm here and setting up. To be honest, however, other than getting Daniel registered in school (finally!), I don't feel I've accomplished much.
There has been a certain isolation that I admit, I've rather reveled in. I feel a bit like a small, furry creature, hiding in a snug little den. The phone was turned off the night before we left and I didn't/don't have the money to turn it back on at the moment. There is no internet unless I want to track it down--either at the library or by having Jerry take me to his office (which is where I am at the moment). I venture out only briefly and usually because I have to--get Daniel registered, get him stuff for school, buy food, do laundry, etc. Don't get me wrong...I'm not depressed or anxious. I just find myself taking comfort in my hibernation. Of course, the comfort I feel isn't exactly replicated in Allen.
Allen is depressed and unhappy. He asked me last night (Friday night), "Why the hell did we have to come to this place? I fucking hate it here!" Like I told him at the time, though, Allen knows why.
The reasons are many and varied, not the least of which is Jerry, who treats me like a precious gift that he's happily and unexpectedly received. I feel guilty as hell that his house is still in chaos from all of my stuff (most of which is still in the boxes we through it in--I told you that I haven't accomplished much); that my kids (chiefly Allen) can be a total pain in the ass; that I still have my occasional mood swings and random anxiety attacks (not because of him, of course, but still...). Most of all, I feel guilty that I arrived with far less money than I expected to have. Between $300 just for gas to get here and $600 for insurance and registration on Nikki's car, I was down to less than $200 by the time I got here. I wanted to pay half of the bills right off the bat. Instead, he had to loan me $150 to get Daniel school clothes and such. Thankfully, my last paycheck came in and I was able to contribute that (and pay him back). Like I said, though, I feel guilty. (Though, in all fairness, I'm sure I'd find something else to obsess..er...feel guilty about. Isn't neurosis fun??? *wink*) Jerry soothes and reassures and tells me not to worry about it, but how can I not? One, it's my nature. Two, I was so determined not to be "rescued" and I still have to rely on someone else for my financial survival. (At least I'm not entirely without resources, but I still want to pay my share.)
Back to Allen. He's pretty much locked himself in his room, only venturing forth when driven by hunger or extreme boredom. It's incredibly frustrating. He wants a job, but excuses himself from looking for one until the phone is back on. He wants his GED, but won't call the number I found for him because he'd have to use a pay phone and the phone card I bought for him. Again, he wants to wait until we have a phone. He demands I get him in to see someone about his rage and depression but when I told him that a)I don't have a job, health insurance, or Medicaid; and b)even if I did, since he's 18 and not in school, I couldn't put him on my insurance and Medicaid will make him fill out his own application, he got all pissed off. He refuses to "sit around, filling out paperwork for hours. Fuck that!" I told him that all the stuff he's complaining about could be resolved with some effort. (There's other stuff but his litany of complaints is too long to mention them all.) He won't even try though--he wants me to fix everything for him. Me or somebody. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to help him financially. If he wants what he wants, he needs to DO something about it. Even if I could help, I don't think it would be the best thing for him. Jerry said we should give him a time limit in which to do something--find a job; get his GED; go to college; something! Give him a time limit to get his act together and move out and on with the next stage of his life. (If he's in school and making a sincere effort, I'll amend that, but he's not going to just stay here, bitch and moan, and hold his hand out whenever he needs money. I'm tired of all his excuses and rationalizations for why he can't get out of his own way to do anything.)
Sent Ferg a letter explaining as best I could (via his parents since I don't want him to have my address). It won't do any good, though. I also included a couple of pamplets I got from the VA (alcoholism & dual diagnosis--the latter is a combination of some sort of mental problem like depression or whatever and addiction). I also printed up stuff on sex/porn addiction. He probably won't bother to read any of it, but at least I tried. Just like I'm sure he won't acknowledge it, but I tried in the letter to say I'm sorry for doing things this way. I really do feel bad about the way I pulled this off and I told him so. It doesn't change the fact that I want a divorce, though, and no further contact with him. Of course, I also gave him a paragraph and a half on why I'm doing this, for all the good it'll do. Someone crank up some "I've got to drink myself into a stupor because my bitch of a wife left me" country songs.
Back to "hiding in my den" thing. Jerry says that it's okay that I stop, take a breath, etc, but I have to get moving for my own sake and for ours, too, if we want be able to support 4 people. Therefore, I'm resolved to take care of some things before next weekend.
- Come out of my secure little hidey-hole.
- Get KY license and get the car registered.
- Finish unpacking--there are books and unassembled book shelves cluttering up the front room. Boxes of kitchen stuff have turned in one part deathtrap, one part maze in the kitchen.
- Seriously look into the job situation, even without a phone.
- Until I find one, go by social services first thing Monday morning.
Today's Update
- Allen told me last night that Jerry and I are great together and that he really likes how he treats me and Daniel.
- Great morning (really really REALLY great morning!) until we left the house to discover that someone had keyed my car. The day before, they spit tobacco all over it. Now I haven't been here long enough to piss anyone off that I know of and Jerry says he doesn't have any broken-hearted, disappointed women in his life. I have NO idea what's going on. Oh well, aside from that, still a great morning!
12:41 PM
(0) comments
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Time to go!
We're pulling out pretty soon and I don't know how long I'm going to be offline, but it's going to for a while. It's not as early as I wanted to leave, but oh well. I always forget how long it takes to pack and move. (Really, if ever you could use a genie that could just blink her eyes and PRESTO! you're there, it's now!)
So, off into the new adventure....
EEK! and YAY! all at the same time, eh?
8:30 AM
(0) comments
Friday, August 06, 2004
It hit!
It started yesterday afternoon after talking to his friend, Paul. It climbed over me and beat me in the head earlier today. The dreaded, "Oh my god! Oh my god! What am I doing?" monster....
I called Bander and he slayed it for now.
Stupid anxiety attacks!
(And no, I haven't changed my mind and I'm not going to and I know this is for the best, but as it was pointed out to me yesterday, if I wasn't the type of person who felt guilty and awful imagining how much someone is going to be hurt by something I'm doing, I wouldn't be me. Deep breaths! Deep, calming breaths!)
12:26 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Just a Thought
While I was at Nikki's school, I saw a poster on the wall in the office. One that I've decided I really don't like and don't agree with.
"In real life
there are no
make-up exams.
Make your choices carefully."
Bullshit. Of course there are make-up exams. Of course there are do-overs. It's never too late to take a new path or to start over. At 17, I was so desperate to escape my house, I joined the Air Force to get away. I'd been accepted to both University of Kentucky and to Tulane University in New Orleans and I was waiting on a response from University of Miami when I enlisted. Instead of heading off to college, I chose to go with the military because I knew I would get a paycheck and a roof over my head and I wouldn't be subjected to my parents any longer. Met a guy. Had kids way too young and far too close together and we all lived in abject poverty for a number of years. I'm sure a lot of people would consider my future in low-paying service-industry jobs a lock. At 29, however, I decided to go to college. Graduated summa cum laude. Made myself qualified for the types of jobs that I wanted to have. If that isn't taking a new path, I don't know what is.
I got divorced after 10 years. Got remarried New path. New life. Okay, wrong choice--not the divorce, but the remarriage. But now I'm changing course again. New path. New life. Going back home and getting out of this spiraling mess of a marriage. A "do-over". A "make-up exam". Plainly, another chance to get it right.
Life is full of opportunities for both and it's really not fair to tell kids that if they don't make the perfectly right decision the first time, they're screwed. Sounds like a paralyzing, absolutist philosophy to me. And it also sounds like bullshit.
10:05 PM
(0) comments
What I've Accomplished Today
>Take Moiya to the vet for rabies vaccination and prescription for sedatives.
>Stop at bank
*Stop at post office and give change-of-address card so mail will go to Ferg (including the bills)
>Go to high school and give them a copy of the Limited Power of Attorney and the utility bill of the people Nikki will be staying with so that the registrar can officially change her address and such.
>Drop Nikki off at work
>Pick up Daniel's shot records from the Health Department
>Goodbye lunch with LaJuan
>Try to find affordable insurance for Nikki
Well, I found insurance...
>Doctor appointment at the VA
While I was there, I changed my address so that my prescriptions will be sent to my new address; talked to the pill-shrink (and let him prescribe me some Zyban--yes, I'm going to try to quit smoking when I get to Lexington); talked to and said goodbye to my regular shrink; got the address to send a change of address in so that Ferg's disability check will go to him in Kansas.
*Take Nikki to get a checking account
I tried, but they won't let her have one because she's a minor and I can't sign for one for her because I'm leaving the state. So I need to figure out how to send her $200 each month and have her be able to access it because she's only allowed to withdraw money from her savings account twice a month.
>Register her car
*Try to find the titles for the dead cars/call junkyards
Again, I tried, but I can't find the damned things. They aren't in the lock box where they're supposed to be.
>Try to find more boxes
*Try to find storage facility that I can afford for Ferg's stuff.
_________________________________________________________________________
So, basically, I got everything done except go to the post office (I just didn't have the time--Nikki's going to do it tomorrow) and find a storage facility for Ferg (I'll do it tomorrow). I still need more boxes, though, and I'm nowhere NEAR done packing.
Mr. Cheng called Ferg and told him I was moving to Kentucky. DAMMIT! Apparently, asking him repeatedly not to say anything translated into "Hey! Call Ferg and ask him for the money and, oh, by the way, do you mind telling him exactly where I'm going after I've made a point of telling everyone to keep it quiet?" I asked him about it and he said he thought Ferg already knew. *sigh* Of course, now I feel like shit because I lied straight out and told Ferg that Mr. Cheng misunderstood me and I never said that. I needed him to send that $400 and I didn't think he'd do it if I said, "Yes, I'm leaving your ass." He finally sent the money, by the way--after I reassured him. I just picked it up an hour ago! I desperately needed it to replenish what I've spent over the past two days to get Nikki her car, get it insured, and get it registered. (She's giving me her paycheck, such as it is, on Friday because I had to pay for her insurance downpayment and her registration.) So now, instead of feeling good and strong, I'm back to feeling weasel-y and guilty. Doesn't change anything, but I still feel bad about it.
9:16 PM
(0) comments
My Day Off??
9:00am
Take Moiya to the vet for rabies vaccination and prescription for sedatives.
*Stop at bank
*Stop at post office and give change-of-address card so mail will go to Ferg (including the bills)
*Go to high school and give them a copy of the Limited Power of Attorney and the utility bill of the people Nikki will be staying with so that the registrar can officially change her address and such.
10:30am
Drop Nikki off at work
*Pick up Daniel's shot records from the Health Department
11:30am
Goodbye lunch with LaJuan
*Try to find affordable insurance for Nikki
2:00pm
Doctor appointment at the VA
*Take Nikki to get a checking account
*Register her car
*Try to find the titles for the dead cars/call junkyards
*Try to find more boxes
*Try to find storage facility that I can afford for Ferg's stuff.
Yea, gods!
1:38 AM
(0) comments
Monday, August 02, 2004
Things Checked Off The List So Far...
- Most of his stuff out of the bedroom--except the closet and the computer.
- Closet in living room cleaned out.
- Kids' bedrooms mostly done.
- Curio-cabinets cleaned out (need to wrap stuff and put them in boxes).
- Boxes acquired (more needed).
- UHaul and car tow thingie reserved.
- Car found for Nikki.
- Limited Power of Attorney for the couple Nikki will be staying with and wrapping-up conversation with the mom.
- Appointment made for cat for rabies shot update and sedatives so she doesn't have the feline meltdown that she had coming down here--she spent the last four hours under the car seat moaning. She's so big that if she did that this time, we'd have to take the truck apart to get her out.
- Appointment made to see doctor about renewing my prescriptions before I leave.
Things Left to Do
- Close savings account and open Nik a checking account.
- Help Nik find insurance and get her car registered.
- Continue to badger Ferg for the $400 he owes her--sent him an email today telling him I needed it to give to the landlord so I don't get evicted. Got a reply that he'd "try to get it to me as soon as possible" but that he didn't think he could do it "before midweek" [rolleyes].
- Finish packing.
- Call junkyard about the dead cars.
- Get Daniel's shot records to enroll him in school in Lexington.
- Call to have trash, utilities, cable, satellite turned off. Give them Ferg's address for final bills!
- Get storage facility for his stuff.
- Get person at temp agency to call me back so I can give them the address to send my last check.
- Change of address at post office for Ferg.
- Change of address at Child Support Enforcement.
- Change of address at VA.
- Give bank Ferg's address!
- Send Ferg the contract, key, and short letter telling him to not contact me and that I'll send the divorce papers to his dad's house.
I have ALOT to do in the next couple of days!
10:17 PM
(0) comments
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Chop-Socky Fest
I swear, that's what IFC (International Film Channel) is calling it. I just saw a really old Chinese (?) film with a very young Jet-Li that ROCKED. It was called Fist of Legend. It's pretty much one long fight sequence interspersed with a few bits of dubbed dialogue and the barest hint of a plot. The bad guy even had the evil MUWHAHAHAHAHA laugh! *grin*
The fight scenes were nothing short of awesome! I don't know if they use wires to achieve some of the moves or not, but even if they did, I was still blown away. (Not that it looked like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but there was some gravity-defying kicks that caused the one kicked to go flying backwards far enough that they just about needed landing clearance when they hit the ground!)
Yep, it's completely cheesy, but it's one of the most highly entertaining movies I've seen in a while. I give it a big thumbs-up!
3:46 AM
(0) comments
|
|
| |
|
|
|
bravenet.com
