A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
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Beyond the Invisible
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The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
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Sunday, August 15, 2004
Rumors of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated
This was written yesterday (Aug 14) about things leading up until then...
I'm sure most of you have figured out that I'm here and setting up. To be honest, however, other than getting Daniel registered in school (finally!), I don't feel I've accomplished much.
There has been a certain isolation that I admit, I've rather reveled in. I feel a bit like a small, furry creature, hiding in a snug little den. The phone was turned off the night before we left and I didn't/don't have the money to turn it back on at the moment. There is no internet unless I want to track it down--either at the library or by having Jerry take me to his office (which is where I am at the moment). I venture out only briefly and usually because I have to--get Daniel registered, get him stuff for school, buy food, do laundry, etc. Don't get me wrong...I'm not depressed or anxious. I just find myself taking comfort in my hibernation. Of course, the comfort I feel isn't exactly replicated in Allen.
Allen is depressed and unhappy. He asked me last night (Friday night), "Why the hell did we have to come to this place? I fucking hate it here!" Like I told him at the time, though, Allen knows why.
The reasons are many and varied, not the least of which is Jerry, who treats me like a precious gift that he's happily and unexpectedly received. I feel guilty as hell that his house is still in chaos from all of my stuff (most of which is still in the boxes we through it in--I told you that I haven't accomplished much); that my kids (chiefly Allen) can be a total pain in the ass; that I still have my occasional mood swings and random anxiety attacks (not because of him, of course, but still...). Most of all, I feel guilty that I arrived with far less money than I expected to have. Between $300 just for gas to get here and $600 for insurance and registration on Nikki's car, I was down to less than $200 by the time I got here. I wanted to pay half of the bills right off the bat. Instead, he had to loan me $150 to get Daniel school clothes and such. Thankfully, my last paycheck came in and I was able to contribute that (and pay him back). Like I said, though, I feel guilty. (Though, in all fairness, I'm sure I'd find something else to obsess..er...feel guilty about. Isn't neurosis fun??? *wink*) Jerry soothes and reassures and tells me not to worry about it, but how can I not? One, it's my nature. Two, I was so determined not to be "rescued" and I still have to rely on someone else for my financial survival. (At least I'm not entirely without resources, but I still want to pay my share.)
Back to Allen. He's pretty much locked himself in his room, only venturing forth when driven by hunger or extreme boredom. It's incredibly frustrating. He wants a job, but excuses himself from looking for one until the phone is back on. He wants his GED, but won't call the number I found for him because he'd have to use a pay phone and the phone card I bought for him. Again, he wants to wait until we have a phone. He demands I get him in to see someone about his rage and depression but when I told him that a)I don't have a job, health insurance, or Medicaid; and b)even if I did, since he's 18 and not in school, I couldn't put him on my insurance and Medicaid will make him fill out his own application, he got all pissed off. He refuses to "sit around, filling out paperwork for hours. Fuck that!" I told him that all the stuff he's complaining about could be resolved with some effort. (There's other stuff but his litany of complaints is too long to mention them all.) He won't even try though--he wants me to fix everything for him. Me or somebody. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to help him financially. If he wants what he wants, he needs to DO something about it. Even if I could help, I don't think it would be the best thing for him. Jerry said we should give him a time limit in which to do something--find a job; get his GED; go to college; something! Give him a time limit to get his act together and move out and on with the next stage of his life. (If he's in school and making a sincere effort, I'll amend that, but he's not going to just stay here, bitch and moan, and hold his hand out whenever he needs money. I'm tired of all his excuses and rationalizations for why he can't get out of his own way to do anything.)
Sent Ferg a letter explaining as best I could (via his parents since I don't want him to have my address). It won't do any good, though. I also included a couple of pamplets I got from the VA (alcoholism & dual diagnosis--the latter is a combination of some sort of mental problem like depression or whatever and addiction). I also printed up stuff on sex/porn addiction. He probably won't bother to read any of it, but at least I tried. Just like I'm sure he won't acknowledge it, but I tried in the letter to say I'm sorry for doing things this way. I really do feel bad about the way I pulled this off and I told him so. It doesn't change the fact that I want a divorce, though, and no further contact with him. Of course, I also gave him a paragraph and a half on why I'm doing this, for all the good it'll do. Someone crank up some "I've got to drink myself into a stupor because my bitch of a wife left me" country songs.
Back to "hiding in my den" thing. Jerry says that it's okay that I stop, take a breath, etc, but I have to get moving for my own sake and for ours, too, if we want be able to support 4 people. Therefore, I'm resolved to take care of some things before next weekend.
- Come out of my secure little hidey-hole.
- Get KY license and get the car registered.
- Finish unpacking--there are books and unassembled book shelves cluttering up the front room. Boxes of kitchen stuff have turned in one part deathtrap, one part maze in the kitchen.
- Seriously look into the job situation, even without a phone.
- Until I find one, go by social services first thing Monday morning.
Today's Update
- Allen told me last night that Jerry and I are great together and that he really likes how he treats me and Daniel.
- Great morning (really really REALLY great morning!) until we left the house to discover that someone had keyed my car. The day before, they spit tobacco all over it. Now I haven't been here long enough to piss anyone off that I know of and Jerry says he doesn't have any broken-hearted, disappointed women in his life. I have NO idea what's going on. Oh well, aside from that, still a great morning!
12:41 PM
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bravenet.com
