A place for me to work stuff out and to post things that interest me.
Most of us can, if we choose,
make this world either a palace or a prison.
~Lord Avebury
I choose a palace.
~TKF
Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
~Ayn Rand
The democratic society's mythology of equality with its
attendant erasure of difference is an impossibility
in an actual, lived sense.
Therefore, according to this view, this
imaginary erasure cannot achieve an
actual democracy, because a sense of
community can only come with the recognition of difference.
~Slavoj Zizek, as paraphrased by Catherine M. Soussloff
Links!
A brand new link! Check it out!
deviantART
I thought the place was very cool. Oh, and all you Alias fans, you can find a very nice wallpaper there--
or rather, here--and a gorgeous Evanescence one, too!
Watcher's Diary
Slayage; The Online International Journal of Buffy Studies
Convert just about anything
Comes in really handy when you want to convert fahrenheit to celcius and vice versa!
Links to 100s of free calculators online
Everything from your due date to how much a house payment would be to a regular calculator
Reference Guide to Chicago Manual of Style
Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Atlas & Almanac
Quotation Search Engine
Complete HTML True Color Chart
Epicurious Recipes
Inn Recipes; Recipes for all Occasions
JobStar-Resumes & Cover Letters Advice
Overstock.com: Up to 80% off most items
Ediblenature.com
Things My Girlfriend & I Have Argued About
(Trust me--you'll be laughing outloud!)
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Beyond the Invisible
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The tale of the world is like a tree.
...
Sturdily rooted in the past, the tale's branches spread out through the days that come. The many stories that make up its substance
unfold from bud to leaf to dry memory and back again, event connecting event like the threadwork of a spider's web, so that each creature of the world plays its part, understanding only aspects of the overall narrative, and perceiving, each with its particular talents, only glimpses
of the Great Mystery that underlies it all.
~Charles de Lint, Moonheart
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Monday, January 31, 2005
Random Thoughts At 4am
- My current vote for creepiest commercial I've ever seen:
Teenaged boy steps out of a classroom into a hallway and calls to a pretty blond girl, telling her that he wants to show her something. She follows him back into the otherwise empty classroom which is now revealed to be an art studio. There's a larger-than-life, colorful bust of a girl, made from Starburst candy.
Boy: It's you!
Girl: *looks confused*
Boy: I made it for you. I used lemon for your hair because your hair is fragrant as lemons.
Girl: *still looking confused but slightly complimented*
Boy: I used cherry for your lips because your lips are juicy like cherries.
Girl: *starting to look a bit disturbed but he doesn't notice*
Boy: And your nose...your nose....
(He's now gnawing at the bust that he created, chewing on the nose and making almost orgasmic "mmmmmmmm" noises! Girl looks sick.)
This is supposed to make me want to buy Starburst??? *shudder*
- My vote for "Commercial That Makes Me Go Ewwwwwwwww!":
Three extremely sexy girls are working out and discussing what they're going to do that evening.
"I know!" says one. "Let's call the Singles Hot Line!"
"Yeah!" says another. "The last time we called, we met the hottest guys!"
*Cut to one of the sexy girls on the phone...*
"Great! See you tonight! And don't forget to bring a friend!"
*Cut to three girls dressed up in the standard Playboy Bunny/Porn Star gear, waiting. The doorbell rings and all 3 rush to the door. One opens the door to 2 Abercombie-looking guys.*
"Ooooooo! You're as hot as you said you were! And so's your friend!" (Mind you, it's now 3 girls, 2 guys...)
So! Call this number and you (and two or three of your closest friends) can have an orgy with some stranger(s) that you've invited to your house! Yay?
- Really strange dreams this weekend. Saturday morning, I dreamed I was in a hotel, in an apartment-sized suite. Ferg was there. I kept trying to find Jerry, who was supposed to be on the 2nd floor (I was on the 5th) and ditch Ferg, who kept throwing obstacles and diversions at me. I got rid of Ferg, but I couldn't find Jerry no matter where I looked.
Sunday morning, I dreamed I was wandering through an open market. I had enough money to buy one really nice item, but I wanted more. I started putting small items I wanted--fancy perfume bottles, oppulent little bags, etc--into a bigger, quilted purse/backpack thing (it was really pretty). I didn't actually get to the point of stealing anything because I woke up before I had to go to the cashier.
- I've only seen a few eps of Andromeda this year... What the hell is going on?? What happened to the oh-so-droolworthy Tyr?? Where are they, hgow did they get there, and why? Isn't this new Nietzian the guy who had been the first officer that betrayed Dillon before he got trapped in the blackhole? He's okay, but where's Tyr?? And Bekka is the "Mother of all Nietzians"?? Huh?
- Finding a job just got harder--they turned off the phone again and there's no way we can afford to turn it back on. *sigh*
- Is it strange that the ones with the supposed "chick flick" that I haven't seen (and, consequently, borrow) belong to the guys I know? These are straight guys, btw. Meanwhile, I own movies like "Blood of Heroes" (Rutger Hauer, B-grade action movie), "Leon (the Professional)", "The Hunted", etc. Of course, I own stuff like "City of Angels", too, but I have a lot more action movies than chick flicks.
- I don't sleep anymore. Well, I do every now and then, but my schedule is so out-of-whack it's insane! The suckiest part of that is that I really miss my cuddle-time with Jerry. But if I go to bed, I just lay there, my brain spinning 'round and 'round with thoughts of any and everything. I toss and turn and I'm afraid I'm keeping him from sleeping or waking him up. The only time I can sleep is if I'm so exhausted, I can't keep my eyes open or after sex (The second one is a really nice way to relax enough to fall asleep--I highly recommend it! *grin*).
- A job. A job. My kingdom for a job! Er...okay--no kingdom to offer...My gratitude and hard work for a job! I guess I could take up begging as a career. Allen wanted to raise some money and actually panhandled for it and made $40 in a day! (Yes, I was appalled to hear he actually went begging!)
More later....I have a bunch of stuff I wrote and not enough time at the moment.
6:55 AM
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Gray Days
For the first time since returning to Lexington, I'm really depressed. I can't find a decent job and I don't know why.
I send out resumes and never even get an acknowledgement. I fill out applications for jobs that they hire just about anyone for and never get a call. What few (3 so far) interviews I get either go badly or I simply get the same old, "I'm not going to get this job" vibe. That isn't me being insecure--I'm 100% accurate thus far on whether or not I'm going to hear from someone ever again.
Today, for instance... I looked great. I carefully picked my outfit, did my makeup, and even put my hair up in a twist. I answered the questions thoughtfully and made sure to come across confident and sincere without getting too personal or effusive. However, I could definitely tell she wasn't particularly impressed. In fact, I started to get the "I'm not going to get this job" vibe about half way through. then she said, "Are you an expert in Excel?" I told her I had some experience with it. She said, dismissively, "I need someone with exceptional Excel skills. Frankly, I could do something, myself, faster than training someone else to do it." She then started gathering up her papers. I told her that I pick up new software quickly and would be willing to train on my own time and take a lower starting salary but she just said, "We'll be in touch."
So, no, I'm fairly certain I didn't get the job. Meanwhile, the bills are getting higher with the cold weather and Jerry is justifiably freaking. I'm just a big financial drain. A money pit. I contribute nothing to the household but higher bills and stress (financial and kids).
Why won't anyone hire me??? I can't even get a pawn shop or a check-cashing place to grant me an interview! Meanwhile, all the places I really want to work don't call either.
*SIGH!*
The weather is overcast and cold. Pretty much perfect for my state of mind at the moment when we don't even know how we'll pay the bills.
And in other news...
Allen moved back in, after signing a contract I drew up about specific rules he must follow or move out immediately. He ran out of money and neither of us could let him sleep outside in 4 degree Fahrenheit weather, but I wasn't letting him back in without his understanding that this was only temporary and that after he pays us back everything he borrowed or stole, he has to provide me with a viable plan and a timetable for moving out on his own.
So far, he's been very good about abiding by the rules. We'll see how long that lasts.
2:19 PM
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Monday, January 17, 2005
When it rains, it pours!
I may not have been able to get online, but I've been writing stuff to post here for when I did have time. Consider yourself warned! *wink*
7:06 PM
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Saturday, January 15, 2005
I realize that I've made numerous updates today and I hope you'll notice some of the changes, also. In particular, the quote to the left by Charles de Lint.
Charles de Lint has always been one of my favorite writers in a "if only I had the skill, talent, and mastery of words to write that way" way. Few authors give me such a sense that I'm immersing myself in a mesmerizing flow of words, sentences, beautiful tale as he does. Only Isabelle Allende gives me that same awe. That same feeling of having read an engrossing story and beautiful poetry at the same time.
I describe some art as having "lyrical" lines. That is, the eye is drawn over it, moving from line to line, plane to plane. The lines flow gloriously into each other and simply staring at it, letting it wash over you, leaves a visceral feeling of pure joy. Reading de Lint and Allende comes very close to those feelings and I know, instinctively, that I'm in the presence of great art--even if I'm barely able to describe it. (I'm sure they would both demure but Beth/Merope and Natalie/Soulsearcher come very close to engendering that feeling, also. Of course, I'm blessed with many friends who write wonderfully. And my writing is okay. In comparison to Beth and Natalie, however, I'm embarrassed by my scribblings.)
Enough raving. I have to stop before I start squealing like a 13-year old at an Usher concert. There was actually a thought, even purpose, to this post...
If I could just remember what it was....
10:15 PM
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Sunday, January 09, 2005
And finally the new year...
Sometimes it feels like it's been forever since I've been online. As with any addiction, the overwhelming sense of need begins to fade and going out to find a computer becomes so much less important.
Things are in flux here, as with everyone's life. Yet some things remain the same--a comforting and satisfying routine where the days blur together.
The weather vacillates between unseasonably (but welcome) warmth and constant flood warnings and bone-chilling cold and snow advisories. Money is always short, but the stress you'd expect at that is nonexistant because the bills are paid and there's always food to eat. My health is pretty good--the blood pressure is still good and my anxiety is largely a thing of the past. On the other hand, I've had chronic sinus problems since working at Amazon (much worse than usual, that is, because of all the dust there, I suspect) and post-nasal drip. I think that is contributing to my constant stomach aches and inability to keep my food down since I don't feel upset enough about anything to bring on this kind of reaction. I certain don't feel the level of stress and unhappiness that made me so sick before.
Things are up and down, of course. Despite our tight finances, Christmas and New Year's were wonderful. Also, Jerry had the week between the two holidays off and we had a great time just hanging out with each other. We saw friends and watched a lot of DVDs/tapes. I also saw all three seasons of Alias before last week's premiere. Yes, I'm officially hooked! All I'm missing is my official Fan Girl card. (I highly suspect that J.J. Abrams has a serious problem with marriage/wives, though! Every wife turns out to be a double agent and even Emily "betrayed" her husband, for chrissake!)
Other things aren't so wonderful, however. Allen moved out this past Thursday and is living in a pay-by-the-week motel. He is still stunned (and blames Jerry) that anyone is actually making him face the consequences of his actions. He didn't bother to save any money in the two weeks that he had, despite the two paychecks and the $100 his dad sent. He made sure that he blamed me for "throwing him away like garbage" --it couldn't possibly be that he did anything wrong by stealing, destroying property, or not respecting other people's rooms/property. I pointed out that 1) he made his choices--no one made him do the things he did, 2) he's 18 and did he expect that I'd feed and house him forever, no matter what?
I DO feel guilty, though. I feel like I let him down and didn't do something right. What kind of parenting skills do I have? There's Allen's determined self-destruction and seeming lack of remorse. (He's always gotten angry whenever he's been forced to face the consequences of something he's done.) Then Daniel--still purposefully failing (by refusing to make the slightest effort) any class he doesn't care about, despite every possible punishment or incentive that I've ever though of or tried over the past five or six years. Nicki acts like she hates me half the time and refused to see me over the holidays when her father offered to bring her down.
In Daniel's case, I got to thinking about the situation while I was still working at Amazon. Maybe I'm approaching this from the wrong angle. I'm seriously considering attempting to homeschool him. In Nikki's case, I haven't a clue. For that matter, even the cat is acting out and has started using the new rug (new to us--a friend was moving and gave it to us) as a litter box.
*sigh!*
I'm expecting my "WORLD'S SUCKIEST MOM!" button at any time.
The job search must begin again, but not this week. We have less than a $1 until Friday and the kids' dad changed jobs again. That means my child support that had been deducted straight from his paycheck isn't being deducted until they set it up with his new employer. I told him 3 weeks ago exactly how to contact child support enforcement and give them his new information and he just informed me that it was too much trouble and I needed to contact them. At least he told me where he works. Not the address, mind you, just the name. He was supposed to call back with the address and phone number. He didn't.
I mentioned the stomach pain. I didn't mention that the VA meds aren't working anymore.
Speaking of pain, there's a constant pain in my ass--Ferg! He actually called my ex and told him that I was neglecting Nikki! Then he told Tracy that he wanted to seek partial custody of her! First, over my dead body! Second, no court in the country would give a 37 year old alcoholic with a yen for teenagers even partial custody (and if he wanted to actually go push to shove, I'll let him explain those pictures and video clips on his computer to the court!) of a 17-year old girl. Third, she's going to be 18 in April, you stupid yutz! All I have to do is wait a couple more months and I don't have the money to file now, anyway, idiot! Finally, I'll kill him. Of course, it might be a fight with her dad over who gets to do that but since he could get lost on a racetrack, I figure I'll get there first.
I've been thinking of volunteering. The weather has been so bad that the homeless shelters are strained and I'm thinking of volunteering at one. All the talk and images in the aftermath of the tsunami makes me wish I could go there and help in some way. I don't know what I could do, though. Not like I'm big on the needed skills (aka, medical; construction; teaching), but I hate to see so much devastation and it's not like we can afford to give any money.
Finally, thanks to everyone that sent a Christmas card! I'm still planning to send mine out, but it's looking like it might be Christmas in July!
Oh...one last thing. If you're reading a book and so violently disagree with a state that you note the quote and write a 3-page rebuttal, are you losing it? It's a book called, Women, Art, and Society. (Me and feminist art historical theory don't get along. More on why later, if anyone is interested.)
9:40 PM
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